Asche Keegan
Asche Keegan
Jan 01, 2021

New Year's Night

There’s in the night a lonely child
Staring at a midnight sky. And with
Hands outstretched he catches Jupiter.
He’s just a solitary soul making the light
Last forever in the palm of his hand,
But it shines from all the dreams he holds.
On a shooting star, he makes a wish,
For a friend to spend next New Year with.

He closes his eyes and breathes in deep,
Opens his hands, lets Jupiter escape.
When he looks up, there it shines again
Almost a star in the blackness of night
A lonely light in all that dark,
But a light nonetheless.
Because now he’s held a planet,
Next will come the moon
But not to use up all his wishes,
He will wait until the morrow’s eve.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Woah, so this is divergent from my usual style by quite a bit, but I tried writing this story five other ways, and this is how it came out! XD I know it's a bit random, but please let me know what you think. Star stories are my favorites. :) (Also this may suck when I view it with non-bleary eyes tomorrow morning, so please pardon my nighttime ramblings. XD)

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: In the Flames

Favorite Poets: Thalassa_Brytaye

More from this author

Comments

Ray Whitaker

I liked it. I’d work on the rhyme at the last two lines....

I understand what you mean about re-reading what one wrote the next day. Sometimes I think what I wrote was absolutely outstanding, and the next day i think it’s terrible, and the piece will be put somewhere never again to see the light of day...

Asche Keegan

Yes! Thank you for the critique! I tried telling my sister that they were off, but she kept insisting they were perfect, so I left it as is. Thank you for pointing that out, and I will keep working on them!

Ugh, yes! xD Like I suspected, rereading this I'm like......."Yeah, why did I post this??" XD That was one of my biggest barriers in overcoming my writing obstacles earlier on. I just hated everything I wrote and never did anything with it.

Lavender

Hello, Asche,
When I read your poem, I was reminded of the tender feeling of "Wynken, Blynken, and Nod." Wonderful pointing out Jupiter into your winter sky - a lovely piece of magic.
Happy New Year!
L

VanRyan

I have not come to assassinate nor praise your poem, but to thank you for being a good poetry friend--and to wish you a Happy New Year--and the best of health.
Van

Asche Keegan

I appreciate the support and I wish you a Happy New Year as well, may it be a thousand times better than 2020 for you and yours. :)

Geezer

the slightly English tone to this; methinks that you have read many stories of those authors hailing from Britain. I am a big fan of the children's tales from the late eighteen hundreds and early nineteen hundreds and in particular, Lewis Carroll. This has such an etheral quality. Not exactly falling down a rabbit-hole, but I think you see what I mean. Nice potrayal of a child and his wishes. I'm glad that you got this out and I think it was very nicely done. ~ Geez.
.

Asche Keegan

Thalassa was the one who taught me/is teaching me to write poetry for the most part, so most of what I write is influenced by her style. Because she reads a lot of English poets, significantly more than I, I can't help but feel I picked up on that general theme as well! xD

Lewis Carroll is spectacular!! Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass were some of my favorites as a kid, and I still look back on them with fond remembrance. :)

Thanks!

Michael Anthony

Happy New Year Asche! This is a beautiful poem. I especially like these lines:

Hands outstretched he catches Jupiter.
He’s just a solitary soul making the light
Last forever in the palm of his hand,
And:
He closes his eyes and breathes in deep,
Opens his hands, lets Jupiter escape.
When he looks up, there it shines again
Almost a star in the blackness of night

I might have made the two phrases a poem in and of itself. Nevertheless, very well crafted lines - good stuff! Thank you!

lovedly

There was
NO NEW YEAR
AS OUTSTANDING
as we all were outstanding
in imagery only

we thought the year was passing slowly
we all were just standing not so closely

six feet was the minimum
not more than four in a room
so I composed my poem

TRAVERSE FROM 2020 TO2021
NOT MANY were as outstanding
to understand me
and
my outstanding poetry

all were self indulging
left me wit no glee
they knew not me
who was I
in the darkness
out standing