Roscoe Lane
Roscoe Lane
Feb 11, 2011

I need none, but you...

I need none, but you….

If I write my life on ice,
I’m sure you’d melt my heart.
Should I choose another time
I fear you’d move the sun.
And if my lyrics are off cue,
could you accompany my desire.
For now this life of mine’s a duel,
between your music of ice and fire.

Don’t tame your shrew, I love all you are,
though hurt too the bone can she.
When her untamed angry heart rages,
shrewd am i to quench her thirst.
And if per chance she’d fall in love,
I shall strive to be her first.

No consequence a love like this,
all chattering fools are asking.
A man so cowed is not of worth,
what honour does he accrue?
If In their foul light I’m to bask,
borne this price, i share a life with you.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: It's almost real...

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Scotland, Ayrshire land of Burns.., GBR

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More from this author

Comments

Z

ziggy

14 years 2 months ago

hi there this is some read I really liked reading this aloud
"If I write my life on ice,
I’m sure you’d melt my heart.
Should I choose another time
I fear you’d move the sun.",,,,,those are my fav lines
my only crit is the ending ,,,,,,,I will return to this again ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

Roscoe Lane

Thank you i am glad you enjoyed this poem, i will sleep on your suggestions and look at it with fresh eyes in the morning, Regards Roscoe..

S

I enjoyed reading this but have a few ideas anyway lol :
L-7 change dual to duet
L-8 omit comma
L-11 seems it would be better if rearranged. maybe something like : Raging is her inflamed angry heart
L-15 delete of
L-19 their instead of they're
L-20 change I to to
just a few ideas to take or leave..............scribbler

Roscoe Lane

As above I say many thanks for your time and your help, i will sleep on this and have another look in the morning. Thank you. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Lane

I thank you though you may have mistaken me for someone else, he he it's hard to remember with so many poets here. I have been guilty of this myself so it makes me feel better. Regards Roscoe...

K

I am pleased that you have raised the bar on Neopoet with this poem.

Truly you have. And I thought I was finished with critiquing for a while, my energy wasn't there until I read you.

"Don't tame your shrew". (why capital?)

none... rather than non?

duel rather than dual?

Thank you Roscoe from the bottom of my thawing heart.

~A

p.s. i needs to be capitalized in the last line, and did you mean to or too (also) in L-10

(Reminder to myself--pay better attention!)

Roscoe Lane

Thank you for your comments Rosi, and your suggestions. I'm going to let it run for a while, and see what i think about it in a few days from now. But i always appreciate the help you give... Love Roscoe....

Roscoe Lane

Again i say wow, And again i say that i feel so very honoured to receive such fine words as these. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Lane

I can't thank you enough for your time and comments, i will think about what your saying. I just think it helps the title. Regards Roscoe..