November contest

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Shotgun

its ok little sister
just look away
dont cry
those tears aren’t here to stay

its ok little sister
just smile inside
you wont be sad on the outside
i promise this will be over soon

its ok little sister
im not the bad guy anymore
im just a good guy
ill see you on the otherside

its ok little sister
we'll start again
when i see you
it wont be painful

its ok little sister
when we meet again ill have missed you
so look away
cover your ears

its ok little sister
the barrel is only as cold as you make it
once the smoke has cleared youll be happy again
so please dear sister, look away

its ok little sister
the blood is all gone
and room is only as red as you make it
just shut them eyes and dont let the tears run away

its ok little sister
my time was done
and soon we'll meet again
once you pay a visit, to my shotgun

About This Poem

Last Few Words: this is very personal so understand that, but be honest, feel free to critique

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Polk, USA

Comments

Lee

I see that most wont comment on this one as it is a bit on the dark side, but seems like a cry of desperation.
It is hard for most to watch these things unravel and not hide away from the reality of the words..
We, in these days hear of many things like this but you brought it close and it icy hands reached out.
Maybe we can shelve some of life's truths as this was there between two others where it was a forbidden place to entry.
Take care,
A hard subject to write about..
Yours Ian T

thank you

i means alot to hear that

Lee

I would like to hear the real story.. It will be so hard to write, yet in writing it will release the burden from some shoulders..
Take care and know we are here always,
Yours Ian ..

what do you mean?

there is no real story, i made this up, i listened to a ghram cox cover of white wedding and wrote a poem based on certain lyrics like "hey little sister, what have you done"

Lee

Thank goodness it was fiction we should have a tick box for this sort of thing it would help..
Good write just sort out the flow,
Yours Ian ..

Hi Lee, good to know it's

Hi Lee, good to know it's made up. I also thought you were writing about a personal experience.
My only nit is that I think you should join some lines together, so that the reader doesn't have to scroll up and down so much to get the gist of your poem.
Title, content are fine. Not so the spacing, IMHO:
All the best, Gracy

Well written Lee

I was reading this like a raft boat on a raging sea and then the ending was like hitting an iceberg lol.

One of my...

favorite songs! I have a video of it, made up in my mind and whenever I hear it, I play the video! LoL
Nothing to crit here, except the usual! PUNCTUATION! ~ Geezer.
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