Breakinglogic

Aug 22, 2018

fishing girl

I knew a girl from the Philippines
who knew her way around the sea

She thought that I’d be quite a catch
and reeled me in to see

By the time she had me in her net
her hook had wandered deep,

and found its way inside my heart
and woke it from its sleep

She laid me ‘cross her starboard deck
and eyed me head to feet

And every inch, I felt her eyes
and lain there silently

I waited there, a drowning fish,
and finally saw the sea,

As I watched her stare at other fish —
each indifferently

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: California, USA

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Very nice

I got caught 46 years ago and she hasn't thrown me back yet.......stan

Stan,

Stan,
Thank you.
Congratulations on such a long partnership, in a sea with endless fish, short attention spans and contest fishers.

Hi breakinglogic,

That's net if hers was really a newly produced net, I mean she is young blood who catches very fast.
Falling in love is a wonderful thing and I see you are in love I guest. Thanks for this poem.

Thank you, Simon. She was an

Thank you, Simon. She was an experienced fisher who caught passionately and released with equal agility

Sweet story, it reminds me

Sweet story, it reminds me german romantic songs.

Thank you for that comparison

Thank you for that comparison! That is the type of vibe I was going for!
:)

Hi Raffy, I am looking

Hi Raffy, I am looking forward to seeing more of your poetry.

I used to write so much! It

I used to write so much! It is only recently that I've been reinspired.
I am likewise looking forward to more from you :)
Thank you

A touching little poem...

...I am a bit surprised you have posted nothing here for nearly 2 years. Get your pen out, Raffy!

thanks much!

thank you for stopping by:)
I am thinking of writing again. It is difficult for me to navigate how I'd like to say things. I've already found fun and inspiration in much of what you've posted

Nicest little rhyme...

Just a couple of little crits:

1] It should be [lie there or lay there]

2]I'm not sure that you make your point with the line of
"I waited there, a drowning fish and finally saw the sea".

Maybe; "I waited there a drowning fish, pulled out from the sea"?

I really liked the theme and I hope that you were a keeper.
~ Geezer.
.

Hi geez,

Thank you for your time and notes!
Lie/lay/lain/laid/lied—all very confusing! Thank you for the hint! I will be fixing this

By that line what I meant was, having been removed from my environment—from casual/non-committal dating— I finally saw where I have been living, from the outside. That is to say, while I was ready to be more serious, to her I was just another fish. That is why she was a "fishing girl"
I hope that makes sense!
Thank you and kind regards!