Lindame
Jun 28, 2020
This poem is part of the workshop:

Titles

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Why My Poetry Sucks (Title prompt)

Too tired
To get inspired,
That's when it happens
That my poetry sucks atoms
From the atmosphere
From my feeling ionosphere
Electrons electing Trump
Every time he gets up
To the next podium
To pause for silentium.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: My concern is mostly for pace, flow and interspersed alliteration or unusual patterns that please my own reading some way. (if I read it out loud for instance)

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: USA, ZZB

More from this author

Comments

Lavender

Hello, Lindame,
This is pretty amazing. I am really impressed with your choice of language and connecting it all together. The rhyme in some areas is a bit of a stretch, but not so far that is doesn't make sense. I usually keep a distance from political statements and will do so here, but this is a remarkable piece as far as poetry in its form. I don't know that I would change your title at all - for me it says exactly what I feel is expressed in your words. (First line: 'too' instead of 'to'?)
Thank you!
Lavender

C

Interesting how you have correlated a dry spell in your wring to Trump I know he is to blame for a lot but this is amusing
not seeing the connection lol

L

it's not an obvious statement of politics nor dry spell, as you put it. It's just I felt tired and didn't want to try but when I did this came out which fired up what else was on my mind at the moment in time I wrote it. Randomness!! Thank you for stopping to comment.

Dramen85

I like this poem a lot. Your words are like precision gears rolling together perfectly. It feels like there could be more lines in there somewhere. Try stretching the rhythm of your poem further and see what happens.

Daniel

L

Okay, well its like this.. I shoot from the hip and sometimes it feels unfinished to me also but it worked fine at the time. Stretching the rhythm to what? I'm afraid my rhythms are just my own. I'm not a lyricist so I don't know how to expand as you suggest. Thanks for the input, Daniel.

Dramen85

For me when I write a poem I eventually hear a rhythm in my head for it. Once I do, I find words to attach to the beats. I tend to write longer poems, and that's probably why. Every poet is different though, my dad and I often argued about what poetry is and where it came from. Either way, I meant no harm with my suggestions. I love your poems, when I read them I hear fast drum beat...

L

Sorry if I was short with you. I meant no disrespect either. I know what you mean about the beats, me too, I hear them before I write something . I know one thing, poetry was originally a form of story that was shortened to make it more easily memorized for oral traditions that came before the paper and book. Oral tradition sparked this form of writing I believe. If my history is correct that is. Northern Europe is where it all began also. Especially British areas and France. The Druids had ways of communicating succinctly and orally its easier to remember something if it has a beat and a specific form of rhyme. The old Bards knew how to write their stuff!! Thank you for the feedback.

lovedly

The word suck
like fuck
gives to all humans
a pleasure
in equal measure

your suck is a new feather
only gives you a different
measure

be at it
as you may
be happy
not gay

In life most suck
all their way
enjoy different flavors too
like many an ice creams
you may have had
or
you may have sucked too

happy sucking
one time kid
for you
be sucking