The Beat

Enthralled and entrapped in the primal, elemental, shamanistic depth of emotion.

Until the last 2 lines. Sorry, but to me they were a real let down. Perhaps your intent.

Why not end with some gusto? I'll make some lame suggestions in the hope you get my drift and come up with something better.

And for that reason
I breathe blood and dance wildly
on rainy days

I dance with my sisters
in grief and joy
of our power

All dancing in the rain
painted by the blood
of our very being

see what I'm trying to get at?

I have to concur with Jess on this one.

Another angle: (or variation on the theme..)

Rain is a bastard queen
ruins my makeup. Colours drown.

~A

I like this very much. The pounding throb is palpable.

"Heart ache" is usually one word.

I agree with the previous comments about the ending.

"mixng in the mud
Bringing us to hell til the end of days"

perhaps something like:

"mixing in the flood
that brings us to the end of days"

or

"that drowns us to the End of Days"...

...something like that, since there is a deluge going on through the rest of your poem, and mud always gets covered by water when there is enough rain.

each scene leaves me gasping for air
blood, tears, and heartache
dance in the rain
mixing with mud.

Do you think hell and end of days need to be written down?

~A

I too liked this piece and have a couple of suggestions,
in the second mention of rain, perhaps another word would
enhance it; puddles or mist or fog ...

In the second mention of tribal ... perhaps lose it as the
image is already there, the drums or their drums would
keep the image and perhaps polish the piece ... or not,
up to you.

I too felt the ending a letdown and not nearly as strong as
you may have felt at the time of writing it. I can only say what
I would do there, I'd make the ending; in the mud of the dance,
but that would require a rewrite of the last stanza to remove the
other mention of dance ... or perhaps "in the mud of" and come
up with something strong there ...

just some ideas ... hope you don't mind,

thanks for posting

Richard

better

well constructed

endings are crucial with magnificent peices
either crescendos or structured gentle gestures
to stillness to impact the dramatic flourish
introduced

"bloody tears and aching hearts
a dance of rain that churns the
pit of hate
the drumming slows
a story late
time for goodbye
neath stormy gate.."

Just my take on your poem
but I enjoy pondering such
a work of flair and power as this

Thank Y ou!

This is wonderful. Pure emotions and imagery. my favourite stanza is -

Millions of hearts shattering tales
dance with such grace
in the tribal rain
Water rises

Alid

I agree with the first comment, it feels like you cut the story before we hear the conclusion.