I swear
I didn't light it to watch you burn
I long to watch the smoke rise
up from your bottom lip
and gather round your eyes
Moving like the frantic still shot
of our empty sheets
If only someone would push play
What tempest would undo
our stale mate hearts...
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
MrsEmarie
Very subtle, Picked the wrong moment in time spent together.
Were you in the wrong street,
There are many streets in this world
Many are teeming with life.
Should you wait.
No hurry catch the next bus .
I liked the write, had to read it a few times.
Yours Ian T
It only takes a spark to burn the whole heart down...
Yes Ian, it is a snapshot...a still frame of tragic beauty in my life...
I am struggling with the flow of it. Obviously, there are so many words and emotions to evoke here. Still a work in progress. Thank you for your time! :)
-Emarie
I like the poem, but
I like the poem, but admittedly I could not it all the way through. These were my favorite lines and especially liked 'stale mate'
If only someone would push play
What tempest would undo
our stale mate hearts...
Stutter
T-
I feel as if these lines are lacking too much context to be as powerful as they are in my mind. Still a work in progress. Thank you for your feedback!
-Emarie
The only part...
of the poem that I am sure of is: If only someone would push play
.What tempest would undo
. Our stalemate hearts?
If one of us could get the music playing again; maybe we could discover the storm that would get us past the thing holding us back? I like your title. ~ Geezer.
.
a change is'a comin'
As I move down these comments and respond to the questions...I feel the changes coming. Sometimes all we need is to explain to find the hidden truths...please revisit after sometime and let me know what you think of the changes. Thank you for your feedback!
-Emarie
That's the plan...
It is what we are here for, to help you as a writer and if anything I have said, is a help, I am more than happy. I will come back to this again. ~ Geezer.
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