lou

Feb 09, 2011

Dreamy

I’m chirpy , blessed and blithe,
Glad to be alive.
I smile all day long.

Even whistle a little tune, sing a song
since I met you,
I’m so happy you came along

I’m convivial, I feel high,
I gaze out of my window.
birds sing in the trees

Life is just the bees knees,
It’s the proverbial bowl of cherries.
It’s pure heaven.

But then I wake up,and realise
im in Purgatory,
standing at the gates of Hell.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Inspired by a challenge with the Hooded Stranger.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West London, GBR

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda

Comments

You lie like a rug!

This had me smirking from beginning to its end, which went a little flat for me.

I think if you kick arse at the end it would be a befitting *Lou* poem.

Something like:

I look to the skies
burning with hell.

(up is unneccessary, imo)

Dear Lou,

One suggestion:

I’m convivial, I feel hi, (I feel high?) your poem made me dizzy, taking me to the heights, then dropping me on my head with a loud thud, lol!

Love, Cat

Hey Cat!

Cat,

First off I have Anna using an 'inner-ear' metaphor on a comment somewhere, and now you have 'dizzy' and then you really kick me whilst I am down and mention being 'dropped' on my head!!

LOL!

love,

At least it started happy

But have you considered any new themes? There is a universe of poetry to rite about and all yours are about bad love. Just a suggestion

Jess

I guess you haven't read all of the poems i've witten on new Neo, you always find a way to be slightly offensive, you are supposed to be critiquing this poem.

lou

guilty as charged about not reading all your work here

but everything I have still has the same theme.

Give me some titles to check out.

Oh and critique can, and often should, take into account a poets body of work. No apologies there. When reading a poet I haven't encountered before I often check out their previous work. It is one of the reasons I am such a good, thorough and caring critic. (not my own words)

Jess

I wouldn't give you the chance to belittle me, with thinly disguised insults., which you pretend are for my own good.

if you really have such contempt for me and my work , don''t bother to comment or pm me.

lou

Youtake things so personally!

This was a genuine, valid comment

Well

I tend to take it personally when I send a poem to someone via pm and they insult me the way you did.

Lou

Hey, Jess. Blame this on me,

Hey, Jess. Blame this on me, Lou started to write a happy poem, and I thought it needed a *Lou* ending.

I've come to appreciate your poems Lou (as I did once think sheesh doesn't she ever feel anything else?); we all have our niche and sometimes we grow out of it depending on what life brings us.

I suspect if you had a relationship with a good man, you'd be singing a different tune. But then he'd be quite imperfect and then well.... lol.

Anna

Thanks for trying to take the blame , but it already had a lou ending just didn't pack enough punch.

Call me bloody minded , or you can call me rebelious, but when someone tells me what to do, especially when has it has no connection to what they are supposed to be commenting on, just makes me want to do more of what they are telling me not to do.

Jess rubs me up the wrong way.

lou

Lou ...

I don't know what was said via the pm you've mentioned,
but Jess' comment about writing the same theme could be
said about any of us, we all tend to keep writing until it's out
of our system. I know it could be said about me, I've seen it
in my own writings ... and there is nothing wrong with a push
to create, just my opinion.

with respect,

Richard

Agreeing with Richard....

When certain themes are being played out in our lives, we can't help but react with compatible creativity.... Picasso had his *arrested development*, his blue and rose periods.

However, we all have additional themes being played out in our lives, the troubling thing is we tend to focus on one side or another.... which eventually saps our strength to create, I think.

I write

I write what I feel

Lou

abject apologies

another brain fart

deleted

Jess

This has gone too far , let's both agree that we both said things we shouldn't have and then forget about it .

Lou

thankyou Lou, that is generous of you

and I give you my word that any comments I make to you in any context will be carefully thought out so as to cause no possibility of offense.

Thank you

Jess that's good I don't like bad feeling

Lou

Lou,

having read this one before, you know my thoughts about it. I like the additional twist of turning the 'dreamy' poem into a 'nightmare'.

One thought that keeps nagging me is that being in Purgatory, wouldn't necessarily mean you are then at the gates of Hell. Purgatory is considered a place to redeem sins before being accepted into Heaven.

So the dilema is you may have to change that last stanza a little...but I am sure you want to keep both words 'Purgatory' & 'Hell'...rather than introduce 'Heaven' in the negative and dark final stanza.

So there you go, I have pointed out a dilema for you!!

LOL!

"bees knees"...makes me laugh...for some unknown and twisted reason.

Dan

Thanks for the dilema lol.

I think the purgatory thing may not be accurate, but it sounds right.

Lou

HI

Thanks for taking the time to coment.

I felt there was a little too much sweetness, and it needed a little sour.

lou