Briefest One (EDIT)

Standing at the platform of eternity
when the train shall
arrive
of that there is no certainty
let us continue
our own story

I with half-blind eyes
can see eternity vividly
the train's siren I clearly hear
with half deaf ear

await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all Neos please

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Please read post edit

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME, ROU

Favorite Poets: All across the Internet whom I read

Comments

I love the brevity of your

I love the brevity of your poem. Nothing to criticize, you deftly say it all in a few lines.

Thank you so muchly

i though with half-blind eyes
I can now see eternity vividly

The train's siren I can clearly hear
with half deaf ear
So await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all neos please

Hi again, I'm not sure what

Hi again, I'm not sure what neos means. I'm Argentine, so some English words or expressions escape my understanding. Below, I've made some suggestions to tighten up the verses, take or toss.

i (though)with half-blind eyes
(I)can (now)see eternity vividly

The train's siren I (can) clearly hear
with half deaf ear<<<<<I suppose it's to rhyme.
(So) Await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all neos please.

Enjoyed a lot.

Doesn't anybody...

have anything to criticize? Come on, lovedly, you usually have something I can point to! Good job. ~ Geezer.
.

You is getting lazy no errors but as you can nearly see abbreviations foil the understanding of a few poets lol Take care older Brother, I had my eyes done and can see this world and the next come and join me in a place we can all know, just whisper my name and we will come see you, Yours Ian.T xx