samary
samary
Jan 24, 2020

Perception

Stress takes its toll
work - life
balance going up in

smoke

relaxation
a necessary part of life
we find little
epiphanies

trappings of responsibility
discarded in favour
of me time
repose re centering

As I peer into the mirror
of a different world
my shoulders relax

I breath deep
and visualise
the cold roughness

of stone on my back
the smell of Virginia
and pollution tinging
the air

I slip deeper into
my core as
I relax in
Lowrys world.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is a slant view written in relation to a Lowry painting of him laying on a wall smoking a cigarette, umbrella and briefcase propped against the wall.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

I don't find any fault with your consideration of the painting or your poem. I'm not sure that visualize is the right word, but for lack of a better one... ~ Geezer.
.

samary

Thank you for the comment. Interestingly somebody suggested axing the first stanzas and starting with I peer into the mirror.

Edna Sweetlove

Edna Sweetlove

5 years 2 months ago

,,,or, as you, appear to prefer, "critique" (I detest the term, but there you are). So here goes...

I find the absence of punctuation (including the apostrophe) irritating. I would politely suggest that this affectation has been done to death and has become a cliché of too much "poetic" writing.

Similarly, what is the merit in such random line breaks as:-

"Stress takes its toll
work - life
balance going up in

smoke" ???

Although I should far prefer to see punctuation to assist the reader, its absence should surely be logically carried through? By that I refer to the capital V in Virginia where no other capitals intrude. And spelling errors (eg. tinging and centering - I note you are British so why use an American spelling?) don't help either.

As to the meaning of the piece, I find that unclear and I find wordings/spacings like

"visualise
the cold roughness

of stone on my back"

confusing and irrelevant.

I do hope you will not be offended by my being frank but in your other posting ("Longing") that is what you advocated.
..

samary

I have no problem with honest comment thank you for taking the time to read the piece.
Semantics Edna semantics re. critique.

I worked for a long time with a mentor who never used punctuation so I am afraid I am rather fond of non punctuated poetry I think it has a place along with all other genres. I personally don't see it as any more annoying than punctuation that throws out my poetry reading by disturbing the flow. But that is just my perspective.

I used a capital V because I capitalise proper names usually.

Tinging indeed a typo thank you.
recentering yes am English but that's how I spell it. Mind you spelling is not my strongest point lol especially on a small keyboard.

I will think about your other issues unfortunately I didnt know how to attach the painting. Not that it would probably have helped you as it had to be a slant view.
This is obviously a poem for the Frankenfiles of crap..