lovedly
lovedly
Jul 10, 2018

Paradise is Imagination Ed

Imagery and constancy
are two leading visions
wait, watch and see
what happens next

The body is just a vessel
a mode of transportation
some say it houses a soul
but I am not quite fully solde(Frenchy)

I wonder
what the doctors need to say
is paradise really fourteen days away
(today is the thirteenth
no Paradise yet seen)

let me wait as many days
having come over seventy years
this way
holding my breath all the way
won't let the Docs take it away

but now one could also say
Paradise maybe be just a fortnight away
who can really that relay
wait till tomorrow
another day
I will again come this way.

one may not yet
but you perhaps may
let’s take a bet
till then be a good pet
...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME, ROU

Favorite Poets: All across the Internet whom I read

More from this author

Comments

Miranda Ortiz

I see you're from Romania, so the use of your English threw me off for a few lines.

After I overlooked the inaccuracies in the words you used, I must admit this is lovely.... I gotta say, that the world wide web would've been really beneficial in your choice of words for this poem. But English is a terribly difficult language to master....

So here's my personal changes that I would make:

1. Visionaries should be visions
2. Means of transportation should be mode of transportation
3. Medicals sounds a bit odd, possibly switched to doctors
4. Wait tomorrow, should be wait till tomorrow.... and possibly put another day on a separate line
5. Did not let, should be won't let the Drs
6. Who really that can say, should be who can really say that

Overall, I really like this. You did a great job putting your thoughts out there. And I totally love the way you made my imagination take over.

Try changing around some words when you edit this, Google can be your friend in helping you understand the difference in some English words! Just keep on keeping on.... You have the right idea!!

swamp-witch

I see that you have gotten some good advice from Miranda and you've implemented those changes. Good on ya.

One part of this poem I can't wrap my mind around is: " solde(Frenchy)"

I don't know if you're trying to tell the reader that you're spelling solde with an "e" at the end to create a French effect, or something else. If you could clarify, I'd appreciate it and I'd be able to give some suggestions.

Kelsey

lovedly

solde in French implies
one sold or for sale .

ie one is sold to an idea
means agrees I think
You may help correct the anomaly
Swamp
thanks for the feed and read

Miranda Ortiz

Lovedly, you're revision has made this even more amazing. Great job! It flows ever so smoothly. For what it's worth, the solde I didn't mention because you'd already explained your motive in using it that way. The E isn't distracting to me, so I let it be.

Have an amazing day!! :)