It's summer. The shore is busy.
Bright colors are everywhere
Blue prevails.
Alone she sits, with naked thoughts,
could never get the peace of mind she sought
no matter how long she meditates.
Her garden, once with flowers' blooms,
now crowds of weeds.
It's summer. The shore is busy.
Bright colors are everywhere
Blue prevails.
Last Few Words: Nothing personal. Just exploring through new themes
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
simply beautiful
you speak my mind silently
may read
Maintain silence
for long Rula you have been
unseen
Thank you loved
For your nice visit.
Rula
The loneliness came screaming through,
you should have walked with someone you could speak to.
I hope you are OK.
Mario was just talking about each having their own place to walk with someone.
As with the piece I wrote "A Short Walk" I am sorry that your beach was so Blue.
Lovely write and great to see you here again..
Always remember we are walking the same pathway, and are there for each other..
Go well young lady,
Yours as always Ian ..xx
Dear Sparrow
Always appreciate your kindness.
I am Ok... Nothing personal as I said, just missed everything abt. Poetry
I'm sure...
that this resonates with anyone who has ever felt "blue" because of some life altering change.
A death, a relationship gone bad, losing a job, etc. You realize that life goes on around you, but you just can't seem to find the interest in joining in until you have grieved over the loss. Natural thing. You did a fine job in making that felt. ~ Geezer.
.
Gee
Happy to know that you and others have got the message.
Thank you!
Very tender
a really good poem, Rula, you nailed it.
(2 subtle issues on cadence. Perhaps drop the "that" just use "get the peace of mind she sought" , hits the cadence better. Also maybe "the shore IS busy" ....its a bit awkward to say "shore's busy" which could also sound like "sure's busy" as well. and it keeps that part of the line iamabic (da DAH da DAH )
Nice to see how amazing your poetry is evolving. Despite the blues you have made an uplifting poem, because sharing the blues is what blues is about, be it in music or poetry.
..
Mark
Thank you for the spot on suggestions. I'm also happy as you're saying it's an uplifting piece.
Your visit is v. much appreciated.
Thank you!