Mankind’s system is a divisive race:
The group fighting against the others’ space,
Between climes, races, tribes, castes, sects, parties…
Where fear and hate cross eternal boundaries.
But that mankind feeds his mind with poison,
And then ends up in his own prison walls.
So man fights man to tear down his prison,
But still the real prisoner within calls:
The being inside man, who is not free,
And never free till he should turn that key
To free the iron bars to his fair heart –
Then shall the walls that part us fall apart.
Nor race, tribe, sect draw more hate-and-fear line,
And in fair diversity shall peace shine.
Oct 03, 2019
PRISONER WITHIN
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
The sentiment is excellent
I like the stark realism and the hope. I'm a big fan of hope.
Structure-wise, I feel it wanders with a shifting rhyme scheme. I stumbled when the rhyme scheme shifted, it caused me to pause to make certain i was reading correctly. Additionally, some of the repeat in word choice looks convenient rather than planned.
As an example:
But that mankind feeds his mind with poison,
And then ends up in his [dank jailer] walls.
So man fights man to tear down his prison,
But the [inmate] within [the darkness] calls:
I find that repeating a word works best when it hits the smae place in the structure to drive home a point or image.
These are, of course, my suggestions. You, as the poet, must determine if they have value.
I look forward to your edits and agree with the message.