Absence, and Longing to Belong

Miranda,

I am left with a dilemma. You have asked for the raw truth and have indicated you are not actively editing. This appears to be a contradiction to me, but, I am going to take your request for raw feedback at face value.

The punctuation of this piece was jarring with alternating exclamation points and ellipsis. At one moment shouting and the next trailing off into silence. If everything is shouting and silence, then shouting and silence hold no power.

You words are lost in your structure and the message, the excellent message you want to convey is being blocked.

This, of course, is my opinion. I believe you should actively review and edit this piece. You, as the poet, must make the determination if my critique holds value for you.

Pugilist is able to comment on the structure of your poem,
I am not versed in correct punctuation, so I just go on what I read.
The ups and downs of your write are scattered in what I think is your thoughts.
As Jonathan says it needs clarification as to where you are.
If you are so lost and taking a roller coaster ride then we are here to assist.
Take care and know we all walk the same pathway,
Yours as always, Ian T ..

Thank you for your openness to critique. Please share your exploration of this piece.

As to where to begin when editing, that is the crux. For me, I compare my intent with my efforts. What did I what to communicate with what I communicated.

It allows me to gauge my work more coherently.

Thank you again for participating in the workshop.

is not much like punctuation of a letter or a story. Myself, I would not use commas and periods at the end of the sentences, and unless I wanted to make a really powerful statement or ask a question; I don't use exclamation points or question marks.
I do like the use of the ellipsis here: " and I don't belong..." I think that it gives it a wistful kind of sound.
My use of ellipsis in opening statements to authors and after my titles, is just a idiosyncrasy and something I have done since my coming to Neo. Kinda like a signature. I hope that I have been helpful and you can use anything that Pugilist, Sparrow and I have said to help. ~ Geezer.
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Very few people are used to the honesty they receive here and it can be a shock to the system.

You'll be dishonouring yourself and your work if you quit so easily.

Our comments are meant in the spirit of collaboration. We hold ourselves to the standards of honest review and honest effort. If you are not certain where to begin, and that is something we all feel, just ask.

I am infamous for offering unrequested writing suggestions. Just understand that no one expect you to do as they say, only listen and do as you feel is right for your work.

Our goal is to engage in the process. We'd love it if you joined us.