Bright lights and peering close
Look right here, at my nose
Uh huh, Hmmmm, Let us see
What your eyes reveal to me
Kindly smile and conversation
Concern for eyes, my avocation
I see your problem, you need glasses
Too much strain, too many classes
Or is it just getting on in age?
Do the words blur on the page?
We'll fix you up, leave it to me
Pardon the pun, "You will see"
Last Few Words: Seeing the eye doctors and wanted to leave a poem for the one who was most kind and reassuring. Maybe more to come, more eye doctors.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
LOL
I needed a bit of humor today so thank you. In stanza 2 try avocation.to smooth things out. It implies that the protagonist considers being an optician is secondary to his real place in life so it's up to you whether the smoothing is worth the subtle chang in meaning. See ya later......stan
I thought about it...
decided that you were right and the difference is very small. With the [a] a soft sound, it isn't a real change for the tempo. Thanks for the critique. ~ Gee.
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