we don’t stay young
for long
unless words
flicker the flame
of innocence
purity
and wonder
like a stirring story
of a baby with blocks
making his own first
garbled
ecstatic
poem
with the alphabet
tracing letters
that will one day
give news
of war
yes
but a million
rebirths
too
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I would...
delete the "We don't stay young for long". It only muddies the rest of the work. I keep thinking about what that line in particular means. I can relate to the title where it seems to point out that the garbled words will someday spell out news of war and rebirth. The pattern and rhythm are alright and I like the premise of the story. ~ Geezer.
.
I disagree
The first line sets up the search for lost youth via imagination and the recapture via poetry