A storm of darkness prevailing on
Inside the body that holds this song
Lucifer entered open heart on display
Thought by thought, consuming the dark
My fallen angel never to part
An overwhelming thought too think
An end to agony that persists
With something as simple as a 'click'
Or maybe, a pop, drop or swallow
Dancing devil shook me and left me hallow
Dreary eyes flutter as band aid rips
Undying guilt with a heart no longer equip
Childhood memories flood medial lobe
When innocence reigned and love ruled
Inflicted heart battling the devils cruel
Eyes wide open, to barren abyss
How did It ever come to this?
The sounds collide with a windy gust
Transforming me, fading into dust
Into the shallows, a grey dimension
The void in between my souls dissection
Loves essence tried to filter through
One final attempt, but Satan knew
He slammed the door, with angst and might
My tattered soul became to tired to fight
Comments
A strong poem
About suicide. Really good images set a real taste of the pain in the readers mouth. Before when innocense reigned..
I’m not getting the last line. What’s the” devil” got to do with it. Perhaps if you included some image of the devils role in all this for the reader...
Thank you. Innocence is
Thank you. Innocence is precious..especially in the world we live in today. I'm glad the imagery was there for you as a reader. I didnt think of adding more to the verse about the devil. I thought it would be good to end it with his dark force 'winning'. But perhaps with some revisitation a clearer picture of the 'devils' role will be portrayed better. Thanks for the critique
Bjucks
"In order to truly feel alive, we must live bravely. That means not being ruled by our greatest fears."
.
...
A dark one
You missed an O on the first to, 2nd last line - I don't really like rewriting others work, but I felt if you revisited this with a bit of distance you'd notice that there are some rhymes you could clean up with better words... eg:
An overwhelming thought I (to) think
An end to (Ending present) agony that persists
With something as simple as a 'click'
Or maybe, a pop, drop or swallow
Eyes shut while bandaid rips
Releasing the guilt to follow
Will it fade quick?
However, I think it's such a personal thing, maybe writing it that way works for you for some reason & you are not looking for smoother reading/rhyming/rhythm.
Good one.