Roscoe Lane
Roscoe Lane
Feb 03, 2011

Colouring Mountains

Colouring Mountains

The child shrieks delight,
though her hand’s unsteady
placing brush to paper
see a Picasso colour splash,
change the pure white.

Shrieking again annoyed,
then happy as she,
understanding the brush.
will return, fully loaded.
With the beautiful coloured magic
to transform her paper bright.

Love expressed
by her colours,
watching her face
come alive with smiles.
Why couldn’t we see,
we’re part of her art..
That painting so easily alive
for her that beautiful night.

Colourful creations curving,
with her imagination aglow.
Laughter and messy hands,
giving such pleasure,
only Rembrandt’s freinds
would know.
Brought a collage to life,
in the light.

Watching the realisation,
she is a star,
holding her audience in yellow,
blue, green, red hands.
Loving her eyes to me,
grateful for the time spent,
colouring mountains.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: The pleasure children bring, just takes you away from this big bad world.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Scotland, Ayrshire land of Burns.., GBR

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Comments

faerybeki

I'm totally in tune with this write, my 3 year old paints all the time, we've an easel in the kitchen :) your write is full of life and joy, you need a 'n' at the end of mountains in the main title, as I see it, and I'm not convinced your tenses match in the 2nd stanza but it might be how I'm reading it, tiny things and none of which took away from the pleasure I got when reading your poem, thank you, much love Beki xxx

faerybeki

Hi Roscoe, just got my youngest off for a nap and the 3 year old painter I mentioned is with her Dad today, so I'm pleased to have a little time to revisit your poem. I enjoyed it even more upon a few more reads :) perhaps because it so reflects time in my own life :) there's still room here for an edit I think, so i you don't mind......

The child shrieks delight,
though her hand’s unsteady
placing brush to paper
a Picasso colour splash,
changes the pure white. (drop the 'see' and pluralise change?)

Shrieking again annoyed,
then happy is she,
understanding the brush
will return, fully loaded.
With the beautiful coloured magic
to transform her paper bright. (loose extra comma on 1st line and change as to is?)

Love expressed
by her colours,
watching her face
come alive with smiles.
Why couldn’t we see,
we’re part of her art..
That painting so easily alive
for her that beautiful night. (love this stanza, wouldn't touch it)

Colourful creations curving,
with her imagination aglow.
Laughter and messy hands,
giving such pleasure,
only Rembrandt’s friends
would know.
Brought a collage to life,
in the light. (misspelling of friends)

Watching the realisation,
she is a star,
holding her audience in yellow,
blue, green, red hands.
Loving her eyes to me,
grateful for the time spent,
colouring mountains. (love this stanza too!)

nitpicky little things I'm sure you'll agree :) maybe also look at how necessary all your punctuation is. Thank you for the opportunity to revisit this piece, still gives me such pleasure to read, much love Beki xxx

Roscoe Lane

Again i agree and have made some changes, but i can't bring myself to remove the (see) in the first stanza. I feel this is the child inviting you to see her painting. If I can think of a better way i will revisit. Thank you for your help and comments, which i value very much. Regards Roscoe...

Race_9togo

You missed an "n" in the title.

imo...

The second stanza would be better, to me, as one single sentence.

I don't like the word "mates" in the fourth stanza, it does not seem to fit, for me. But then, I'm an uncouth american! lol.

I would change the word "was" to "is" in the last stanza, to make the ending immediate, and draw the audience into the scene so that they are a part of it, and not just observers.

And I really, really like the title.

As usual, most excellent poetry.