Rosemary, Silver birch, Gum
Blue sky smeared with cloud whisp
Gentle breeze & summer bright sun
Quiet but for sweet bird song, insect choir, droning flightpath
I have my coffee, my hounds, my swing chair on the balcony
My breath… mindfully indulged, too often neglected &…
held
My breath, with which I laboured to press baby from womb.
My breath, held in desperation, fear, angst
My breath, freed in ribbons through chords to weave sweetest harmony
My breath, formed into cradling words of deepest love & longing
My breath, that I would offer in a heartbeat to keep you safe & well
My breath, that brings me back from turmoil, havoc & distress
My breath, that inward bound joy of Rosemary scent & gum fresh from leaf on wind tendrils
My breath – returning me to joy & peace amid the loss & drama
In the morning my hound greeting, check my breath, my presence
All is well – How I love these gentle summer moments
Alone – breathing.
Freedom
Mar 01, 2019
In gratitude to breath
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Amazingly transformative is a single breath.
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
''''your poetry takes my breath (away)''
''My breath,
with which I labored to press baby from womb.
held in desperation, fear, angst
freed in ribbons through chords to weave sweetest harmony
formed into cradling words of deepest love & longing
that I would offer in a heartbeat to keep you safe & well
that brings me back from turmoil, havoc & distress
that inward bound joy of Rosemary scent & gum fresh from leaf on wind tendrils
returning me to joy & peace amid the loss & drama
In the morning my hound greeting,
check my breath, my presence
All is well – How I love these gentle summer moments
Alone – breathing.
Freedom...'''
Your breath speaks of enduring fragrance
like roses and tulips marigolds maybe
sublimely profound poetry
Neo poet's
returned lady
Heheh, lovely Lovedly
As they say... "All you need is love". That was a lovely comment & yes, it might read better without the cumbersome repetition of "My breath"... I put it there, to remind myself though, as I too often forget to breathe... stupid isn't it, but I catch myself these days, a response to trauma I'm told... So "My breath" needs to be a mantra at times.
Thank you for your kindness & gentle warm feedback.
I think you are like myself... a searcher for the more loving way to exist in this life. xx
we all
hanker
for
love
peace
recognition
harmony
and finally alimony
till we reach the end of the distant horizon
as the sun sets
lady
poetry is just a phase
in the transition mainly
thankeee lovely poetry
maketh ye
and me
Again
... lovely
Thanks Mark
Funny, I made a note to look up "Alimony" later to see what else it might be suggesting (chuckle).
I am interested in your reference to construction, should I assume it was not to your liking? Feel free to opine....
PS it has nothing to do with early morning air, more about the restorative affect intentionally & mindfully breathing can have... I wrote it this afternoon, it's very hot Summer over here. I often wonder how things reach you guys over there in relation to seasons etc. I do love the early morning air too though & glad it came to your mind :)
No right or wrong
I agree, & on rereadng I feel remiss since I do mention morning, describing my hounds morning ritual of checking if I'm breathing (or maybe if I've eaten something they would like to share?). So it would make sense to make that connection.
I've been a long time away & not writing so much so I feel I have a way to go to reach a level of writing I am happy with so, yes, I'm happy to be critiqued, I also agree there's no point in adding/changing etc. if something doesn't stand out to be changed. I appreciate your comments all the same. Anything helps when it makes one ponder how one's writing reaches others I think.
May you ever enjoy fresh morning air
kindness Mark but alimonyis okay WHY????JEESH?????
jeesh" means "pee
sad coming from a dignified person like ye
Of course it's okay
I think it just took us by surprise Lovedly - It's not a "thing" over here, so I wasn't really sure if there was another context. Clearly you have a cheeky rhyming streak & are quite playful with your poetry....
Had a chuckle at the "Jeesh" means pee, & more-so that you rhymed it with ye... I got the sense of fun in it. It's all good. I'm sure Mark didn't mean to be offensive, he was just proverbially rolling his eyes... As he says, each to his own.
PS in what language is it pee? (Still chuckling)
LOL
u r BROADER MINDED
CLOUDS
Thanx
Lovedly couldn't...
have said it better! I too, thought that you might do away with the "My breath", but it is your poem and your breath. I'm full of cabin fever and can't wait for the snow to leave and the flowers and grass to grow. Thank you for giving me a couple of minutes with you in Spring. ~ Geezer.
.
How odd that every one interprets Spring?
When the poem actually names Summer? I do think it has to do with the seasonal opposition over there... It was a very hot day for regional Vic. Australia today (bushfire weather), but it was so peaceful down my dirt road in my little town.
Yes, I agree with Lovedly as well... the Repetition of "My breath" is cumbersome... I will think on it though, as I said to Lovedly, it was intentional, a mantra of sorts to remind me to help get through some challenging stuff that I was struggling to be happy beyond (usually I'm not bad at just getting on with it & not letting things get to me, but I have my days & today was one of them, so I went out on the balcony to have a break & a coffee... & this was what happened! I began to take lovely breaths & it felt good.
I think I will probably remove the repetitions, it seems there is consensus that it reads better & I am here largely to develop my writing so it reads better, despite my own indulgence..
Sending some of the peace & warmth your way Gee
If such a Spring breath
Inspires such a taking breath piece, I would pay whatever it costs Anni
I very much enjoyed this piece.
Kudos to you ❣️
Thanks Rula
I suspect you guys are hanging out for Spring... it was a beautiful hot Summer afternoon breath, but no less refreshing... I am so very lucky to live in a beautiful place with bush & birds & often quiet (Though sadly there are several houses that have been built in my dirt road gully... well, 3 in the last few years with one so close next door & one directly across the road. I planted the gums & silver birch I mention in the poem, to filter out the sense of having lost space & bushland)...
Glad you enjoyed it... Remember to breath :)
Reading your comment
I found y first reading more accurate. Nothing but the breath.
Still enjoyed☕
I like your poem very much
So many nice images and flow. The lengths of the lines are irregular, but works for me as it's in free verse list poem. Reading it a few times 2 things came to mind. Each of the lines "My breath.." should be in an indented section, separate from the opening. In a sense of form it just feels it need a bit of separation.
In the end:
My breath.....
My breath – returning me to joy & peace amid the loss & drama
In the morning my hound greeting,
check my breath, my presence
Alone – breathing.
I left out (most importantly) "All is well – How I love these gentle summer moments"
That's telling us, a statement- but we "feel" it in the poem, no need to say it.
I also took out the word "freedom." We feel that freedom from the list of wonderful images of the breath. I think it's reaching out where it's already been.
In a small way it reminds me of a poem Ma Femme by Andre Breton because of the way the My breath lines works...take a look!
my indentation did not work
comments is not reliable...you see it one way and it outputs the way it wants...
Siri, hello Siri...can you fix this??
Heheh... Siri can't understand my Australian accent!
Wow, may I say reading that response was like taking a refreshing breath, hopefully you can intuit all that entails & it's high value to me. I feel any comments left are essentially a gift, & this is a beautiful hand made creation that has many facets, thank you hardly does it justice, but I do. I need to come back to it & savor it with more space, but I really appreciate the insights & will definitely go & read the suggested work.
I come from a "self developed solo writer" space... having kept "a little black book with my poems in" since I was about 12... never thinking anyone would read any of it except for some of the songs I have written. In a way, for me, writing is a little like flying, I think only other writers might understand that. But I think you have a more scholarly approach to it, that humbles me in a good way. I know I have so much to learn & very much appreciate your eye on my work. It feels so clean & enriched by a broad perspective.
Shucks, I think you say over there.
Thank you for your warm encouragement... Very kind - Glad you enjoyed.
I would love to hear an audio
I would love to hear an audio version of this.
Good as it is on the page, I suspect if it were performed in a,,, *Ahem*,,, breathy manner it could be great.
Anyway, I enjoyed it.
Obi.
Heh, thanks.
Hi Obi, nice pun there. Funny isn't it, I am a singer/songwriter, but the thought of recording myself reading this makes me really nervous! Aren't we funny creatures!
I am putting you on my list to read, thanks again... I'll be back tomorrow.