palace of lights caved
blooms through the body
like reality pitted against a comic book
not knowing where life came from
not knowing how it will end
with food tubes or road kill
is creation substance-less?
24 carat nonsense,
or pure wisdom?
perhaps bad therapy
for lab animals
voodoo dummies
monkeys shudder at needles
unless candied with a heroin syringe
chemistry a science of belligerence and euphoria
pleasure before despair
and than a sea of pain
and a fuck;
impaling her
the lushly contoured female
a frictionless exchange of power
for orgasms ecstatic death
as her eyes bob and flutter
like screaming hyenas
my birth tarot card
cock of swords
her favorite when I push through her
like blood bubble gum
b l o o d b u b b a b u b b le g u m
a scum cathedral of lights flicker spit
guttural diphthong
like a vipers castanets
uterine fire bursts like an appendix bomb
her cunt a zoo
c u n t z o o
i am peanuts worms and hay
her face a mask to hide behind
breath play
sibilant hump
specter or nightmares
shadows and villains aphrodiac
gagged and drugged
hot bitch bound
a big eyed slut
s l u t l o v e
sex cannibals turn me on
her rectum a goddess
a Russian roulette
for shtttty kisses
sploosh
she shot me
cuckoo spit
ko cuck ko koo
twizzles willie milk
in a drowning
moss draped moon orifice
under a shattered zodiac
wrapped in tentacles of night
she turns me on
Comments
Hi Zebra
For me the highlights of the poem is this clever devise:
her cunt a zoo
c u n t z o o
a big eyed slut
s l u t l o v e
I would build the poem around this devise, all the way through, it may make for a more exciting read as these images play so. It adds a new layer of possibilities. Just a thought.
Hey Mark
ill consider this; I've seen this devise used to great effect. I'll have to reflect a bit on how exactly to employ. Cunt zoo was a natural. At this point it would really be forced to go into a repetition for me and require that I completely restructure the poem and remove what eminence it may have
I read a piece by a Chinese woman I absolutely loved. The recurring line was "You did not come to live with me"
It was about the empty promises of her long distance lover to join her but never did over many years and how she waited She wrote the piece near death
"You did not come to live with me"
That poem set a high bar for the use of the device. It gathered the poems force of emotion to tears.
Best Z
Hi
To say a poem is to long Dray is to say nothing unless you have a reason besides being bored
Your comment is at least as much about your own attention span as anything
Im open to critique but you have come through with something meaningful
What lines are boring
How would you end the poem to make it better or shorten it
what are your suggestions linguistically
Is my language weak or flat footed
When I'm critiqued I have to feel the review sees something and can touch on something that illuminates and helps me see more clearly
To review another's work means being incisive
Best Z
Countenance of poppy red
Countenance of poppy red
then dead angelic white
nice lines ..curious, where are they from?
many thanks for the comment ;)
Best Z
sounds right to me bro ;)
sounds right to me bro ;)
Nice
I do agree the revisions do add some spice and humor to the poem. Breaks up the narrative with nice word play . Nice!
Hi Mark
Very appreciated !!!!
I never know...
if you have had a typo or a misspell and usually it doesn't matter much. But this time, I simply must know [as it will change the feel of that spot in the poem for me.] Did you mean: [Heroine or heroin]?
~ Geezer.
.
Its a typo heroin, the drug,,
Its a typo heroin, the drug,,,Thank you for pointing that out ...I hate when I do that; will fix DAH ;)
No prob...
I was just wondering if the word maybe had a double meaning. LoL That definitely would have made the thought different.