I sit by your side and memories swirl
The sweet and the tart
Those more precious than a pearl
I pace back and forth and start to despair
The light leaves your eyes
See how dull and lank is your hair?
I wake up at night softly weeping
No, I’m not your cousin, your dear aunt or uncle
Gone now are your days of running and leaping
I stand next to you gently reminding
It’s me, your first born, don’t you know your own daughter?
I talk to myself more than you, I am finding
I curl in a ball and prepare for the end;
A long battle it’s been. A sad journey ahead
Be jolly, be safe, it’s just around the bend
I clutch at your hand, selfishly numb
I know what would happen, but you’re gone, you’re done
I didn’t expect it to feel like this, is that dumb?
I cry out to God, questions floating
How can this be fair, I feel alone, I feel empty
I feel disconnected, I feel like I’m boating
I sit by your side, you encased in wood
I miss you, don't leave me alone right now
This time of ours, hasn't it been good?
Comments
may be you need to see if it
may be you need to see if it is really necessary to use repetition "I sit by your side"...may be change the words but implying the same....if i read it right, it's about a father and his daughter sitting near his coffin / grave and feeling lost about not having been able to express enough while he was alive...
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You're totally right!
You're absolutely right about what the poem is about. And you brought up a very good point about repetition that I hadn't thought about before. Thank you for that.
Little Dragon
A write that was from your soul feelings, there are times when we must let go but they never leave.
They are but a thought away, it is us that must put a perspective on life, if it be through the passing of someone then so be it.
Sometimes it brings relief to us but that is only followed by guilt..
Over the past few years I have lost all of my family bar one Sister, the family I grew up with of Mother Father and three Brothers and four Sisters, and sometimes you have to sit and ask why??
A good write but just needs a tidy of repetition, there are other words you can find to elaborate the feelings.
Good luck and keep writing we are all armatures no matter what we say. I have been here for 10 years or around that time and we can only improve ..
Yours Ian T x
Thank you
Ian, I am so sorry about your family. Loss is always devastating, and is always with us. Thank you for your feedback! You brought up a good point about repetition; I'll definitely look into that. Once again, thank you for your help. It means a lot.
Hi BookDragon
the revisions look good and so too the rhyme sequence....
one suggestion:-
How is this fair could be changed to How can this be fair
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For Sure!
Hi raj! That's a really good point. I'll definitely play with it.
HI BD
Good to know that the suggestion worked for you...
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Losing
This poem brought back my father's death. At first, it would appear the poems is about advanced dementia until the poem seems to shift into the death, (encased in wood).
I would suggest finding a way to separate this passing (unless I'm missing something here), I got a bit confused in the narrative. I also have am not sure of the last line....being "good" ..the poem has so much emotion, so much of what we feel in the presence of a parent who has lost it, and is fading. In the end my dad even forgot how to swallow and so quickly just went in a few days, as he had a living will.
I know how hard it is to put a closure on a poem like this, which is very successful in the narrative to include the reader. The empathy is there. One way to perhaps make the last line more powerful is to turn it into a question... as you are addressing your father, stay in the first person. (we don't need "I love you" as that is quite evident)
I sit by your side, you encased in wood
I miss you, O stay by my side for now-
This time of ours, was it not good?
Anyone who has experienced such a loss will be engaged by your poem. One that is quite hard to write. Its been a few years but I still grieve for our losses.
..
Eumo
My Father passed in 1963, and since then we have lost all but two of us from a lovely family of ten.
My younger Sister left us this year on the first anniversary of her 40 year old son..
It is very hard as yu grow older there are many that journey on ahead of you..
In our house in one corner we have what we call a memory tree..
It is a small weeping tree about 90cm's tall with a spread of about 90 cm's, I have made leaves for the tiny branches out of very thin wood and we have around 12 flowers on the branches, hanging from the branches are hearts made of plastic one for each of the family members with a verse inscribed on each one.
Under the tree sits Buddha and a few pretty things where we light a candle on the anniversary of each person there..
This may seem OTT but it at our age it keeps all those we knew closer in our memories.
Take care and know they are never forgotten as you do.
Yours Ian.
Thank you
Hi Eumolpus,
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. Dementia is such a terrible disease, and it's all too common now. Unfortunately, although this poem is about one person being lost, I wrote it in memory of the four who left me. Secondly, thank you for your input. You're absolutely right, I had no idea how to end the poem. I actually wrote this very close to midnight, and by the end I was so tired I just wrote something down. Perhaps it is time to change it!
It is heartbreaking poem, I
It is heartbreaking poem, I relate very much.
The line
I curl in a ball and prepare for the end
gave me shivers.
In short, you have created a jewel.
My only suggestion is that the rhymes are too perfect and a bit distracting to my taste.
It is a subjective, very subjective opinion
For example, I love the first and second lines,
they place me right at the bedside, sweet and tart is honest and fresh image.
then the third line kills it.
It is a perfect rhyme, and pearl feels like it is an invader.
you didn't think about pearls looking at her face
but yes memories are precious.
So maybe, compromise the form and forget the pearls?