Race_9togo

Nov 14, 2018

Planting Bulbs in Autumn

Sitting in cold dark dirt
hands hurting in the cold
and black with digging
I asked myself was I too old
for this...

...Yet even as the question came
my thoughts turned to an answer,
of golden flowers
nodding in the warming sun,
with spikes of color
rising up to
waft a sweetness
gently on spring air,
and my woman's smile
as she's returning
home from work,
seeing her new garden
awakening from winter slumber...

and as first snow
began to softly fall,
I continued planting.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

What a delightful poem!

What a delightful poem!
i was not attracted by the title, it sounds prosaic.
after i read the poem the title started to make sense

language is simple and brilliant
the cadence conveys and fits the content
logic is perfectly consistent and clear

i have a tiny question about the structure of your sentence:

and my woman's smile,
returning home from work,
seeing her new garden
awakening from winter slumber.

looks like it is smile that returns

have you considered

and my smiling(or darling maybe) woman,
returning home from work,
seeing her new garden
awakening from winter slumber.

Theoretically you don't have to say she smiles,
it implies that she would enjoy seeing the flowers.

Oh I see your correction.

Oh I see your correction. Sounds better.

Thanks,

Yes, it did read a bit strangely, lol.

The pleasure is mine.

The pleasure is mine.
Don't be a stranger.
We plan to start promoting Neopoet by social media a little more actively.
May I post your poem with a photo of a daffodil?

LOL

I really have been away for awhile...because you don't have to ask me that!
Of course you can.

Thank you

howdy

I agree with Riz that this is a lovely poem of sacrifice for future gain. But me being me I have 2 ideas to run past you. First line : try cold dark dirt. adds alliteration and explains black hand later on.Stanza 2 line 2 : change an to the. After all this poem posits only one answer. But even if you decide neither of these ideas work I still like this........stan

Hey Stan

Yeah I like the aliteration; added it.
I had 'the', lol. Changed to 'an' for...aliteration!
Thanks man, always good to get suggestions from you.

Yeah,

It's real. Just finishing the digging when the snow started lol.
You know, I thought about soil...but I like dirt because it is abrupt and somewhat negative in connotation, which fit my mood at that time, so I think I will keep it.
Glad you enjoyed it.