lotus in a mirror
its roots clutch crepuscular slums of dredging mud
deep dark stagnant
thick with worms and milk flower petals
we remain nourished
wisdom expands into darkness
all of us students in the school of shadows
irreverent desires reverent
wise children of light bathe in waters
of cimmerian shade
sex death and regeneration
are celebrated in orgies
of feral lucidity
souls are soiled by devils
the bog swallows bones
to bloom seraph's and cherubim floating
the third eye open
a cascading light
secret kiss
a breathless eternity
at the root
flames lick
open orifice
of ripples silk
empyrean sex magicians
weave
hips voodoo
Comments
Well shit,
I have been away for awhile, haven't I.
Your title: lol had to look up 'empyrean'. Excellent title.
Language use: nothing to say that could make it better, at least for me.
Cadence: it's a bit choppy in places, but nothing major breaks down
The Theme: wonderful!
Beginning is a little choppy,
Ending is great.
I've been reading your other pieces - playing catch-up - and damn, they are good.
This one seems a little less explicit than the others, but that's just probably me.
Hi Race
Thanks for the review
I'm interested in smoothing out things and how verse breaks etc.
Pls feel free to point me in the direction either by example or reference
I read a good deal of contemporary poets
Ocean Voung for example
His breaks are strange sometime But beautiful in audio
I'm wondering too about flow since I removed all the "likes" and most "ands" which are connective words in order to pair the poem down?
Again Thank you
I see where you are going with the cadence.
I am literary; I seldom speak poetry, I prefer reading.
But I did recite this one aloud, to myself, and what reads as a little choppy to me in the first verse does not, when recited.
the second verse does seem a little forced, when spoken:
"wisdom expands into darkness
all of us students in the school of shadows
irreverent desires reverent
children of light bathe in the waters
of cimmerian shade"
The underlined line seems too general to me. I find it detached from the rest of the verse.
Perhaps "Children of light bathed in waters" might be a better wording, since it would identify more readily with the second line. A change like this would tighten up the cadence too.
Hope this helps!
thank you
yes agreed thank you for your careful reading ,,,the, the is superfluous.