the horny ghost
comes to those who have suffered long
the agony of torrid loves hunger
he is a savior that needs to be saved
a glittering pageant of sexual despair
his color sapphire
a weeping shell
a dark cloud of smoldering ash
that never burns out
he is heat and light
he can smell the musk between your legs
taste tears of want
as if they are his own
his cock
bursting like trees
bludgeon hard, substanceless
no you can't put your finger on it
your heart
a brick red furnace
your parched mouth dire
is his
the emptiness between your legs
is his
he comes to you a vacant smudge
then,
white attendant with black eyed gems
be not afraid
he was lost in life
a moralist
who could not find Jacobs ladder
nor free him self of false boundaries
set upon him by the good people
their minds spider bites and corpses
who imagined a god
who loved them by decrees
of thou shalt not not not
and did not know
that flesh needs flesh
and only human love could save him
then to the grave,
just a horny ghost theory
to the living
Comments
Wow ...
what a knee grabber !!! Could this be improved,
certainly but this is one that needs to be absorbed,
fondled and felt within ...
One word I'd like to suggest, last line "for" instead
of "to".
thanks for posting
Richard
hi Moonman
Thank you for your comment I'm contemplating your suggestion. It seems to strangely change the meaning "for" implying a service or gift, perhaps something bequeathed, while "to" implies a identifying the person or thing affected......I'm not sure >#%$&#!@? :O
Whatta ride...
After reading the moonman's comment and your reply, I went back and reread the whole thing twice over with each word. I'm still not sure of which way I would go with it. It reads well with the meaning both ways and we should remember that it is your work and you have written it the way you wanted it.
How about?.... You do this: for/to or to/for. Lol. Well thought out and nicely played. ~ Geezer.
.
HAAHAAHAA, Geezer
I love the idea of a poem with multiple choice word fill-ins, actually an amazing idea as pure experimentalism, never been done before ;) Its interesting and challenging in a good way here seeing ones virtues and failings projected and reflected in an arena that is filled with good will, and then to take it in and see what's useful, what cords are struck towards ones evolution. Its like a cauldron brewing poets.
Thank you so very much for your comments...Very appreciated Geezer.
Oh man, thank you.
Critique is not always fun, it can even at times feel like a chore, but to find works like this, with substance, makes it all worthwhile. The content is rich without being either spoon fed or obscure.
Prosodically speaking it is a bit patchy though, IMNSHO. Rather than dissect it I thought perhaps hearing it in a voice that's not your own might help. So I did a reading. It does not do it justice but I hope it helps.
Something to do with the cadence and assonance, perhaps the proximity of the repeated 'f' and 'v' sounds make the line-
nor free him self of false boundaries
just sound wrong read aloud, it is difficult even to pronounce.
no you cant put your finger on it
The punctuation is important here [can't] but the pun... well what can I say?... makes the punctuation even more important. The poem deserves better.
Anyhow, here it is in Aussiese.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/horny-ghost-theory-by-zebra
Appreciated ,,,,very!!!
Thank you for your kind words and sterling critique. I sin yet know not what I do I need to understand a bit better both cadence and assonance A bit home spun and missing finer points of writing I want to up my game so your review is timely When I read allowed I contour the poem as I would like it, not fully understanding perhaps how to read deeply the cues of what's on the page, sort of like eating
McDonalds dried meet but liking it anyway because it has a bun and ketchup :0
I loved your read with that textured accent, stupendous! ,,,and so incredibly kind of you to make the effort
.So with your permission while i study your critique Ill bug you for clarification and advice
Many Thanks
Damn ...
did I mention how much I liked this
write, so many corners to explore and
your explanation on "to and for", not only
sound but compelling ... tip o the hat
Mr Moonman
I know a poet named Moon woman, a poet, Shall I hook you up? :)
Thank you for your kind comment and I tip back :)