Shadowdancer3349
Sep 18, 2018

I thought of you

Secluded streets in lamplight lie
awash with cleansing rain
awaiting dawn's first sigh
life has begun again

Concentric circles on pavement form
left by heaven's tears
the solitude of this night
forever cast in years

I watch the drops trickle down the pane
and thoughts are of you once again
so long I've heard you voice
memories did not leave a choice

My face in hands
I cannot hide
the tears that are the rain

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States of America North Carolina

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allen Poe

More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

6 years 7 months ago

all that I can say that you've an exquisite poetic voice.
Eloquent and elegant!
Thanks for sharing.

PS I think you wanted (dawn's) S1 L3

R

raj

6 years 7 months ago

these verses are a reflection of honest sentiments with excellent choice of words which lend it a feeling as well as mood ...

a nice poem with a genteel touch...
.........................................................................

S

I almost never give suggestions for change on the first poem I read of a new member and see no reason to break this rule for this visual heartfelt poem.............stan PS if you want better feedback on future poems you should hit the "feel free to knock me on my back" option. Nobody will be rude or crude but you will likely get more commentary and better suggestions

S

thank you for the comment As a rule I do use the knock me on my back setting however this is about the night a loved one died

Eumolpus

creates nice atmosphere, a nice finish.

The only small distraction I had was "left by heaven's tears" ..just seemed a bit overused image and interferes with the tears in the finale.

..

lovedly

my Mom's Smiles
wonder whether you have read it
has similar vein
Do read it it is posted here also

gregwa8

very beautiful. I really like the last lines, "My face in hands, I can't hide the tears that are the rain." I'm sorry for your loss.

Geezer

suggestions were right on target and wholly agree. Think of critique of a poem/work as being a message on the construction of it, not as the put-down of your emotional state when it was written. There are VERY few exceptions to this unwritten rule here! I'm sure that there isn't anyone here that would try to disparage the feeling of loss of a loved one! I don't know, I have never had the critique of something I've shared here, color the way I've felt about the person or the site. At any rate, nice work! ~ Geezer.
.