IRiz

Sep 11, 2018

TOMCAT’S THOUGHTS

On the old steps Tomcat watches the cars.
He waits for the Man to return home,
to share a can of sardines, and perhaps
to sit with him on the porch,
while he is drinking his beer.

But today is a rainy day.
The man will not show up until late.
He will go directly from work to the bar
and come back with a girl.

Sometimes they are nice to the cat
and pour him a few drops of creamer,
they have with their coffee.

Tomcat does not like rainy days,
but he likes when girls scratch his ear.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I recently started to use the structure with decreasing number of lines per stanza, here it is 5-4-3-2 lines per stanza. How is the flow?

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō

Comments

here is an alternative,

here is an alternative, traditional structure

Tomcat's Thoughts

On the old steps Tomcat watches the cars.
He waits for the Man to return home,
to share a can of sardines, and perhaps
to sit with him on the porch.

But today is a rainy day.
The man will not show up until late.
He will go directly from work to the bar
and come back with a girl.

Sometimes they are nice to the cat
and pour him a few drops of creamer.
Tomcat does not like rainy days,
but he likes when the girls scratch his ear.

i do like your personifying the tomcat since you have questioned about the flow in this innovative 5-4-3-2 line structure, it felt smooth till i got to the 3 lined stanza...i am offering this as my personal feed back...the cat waiting on their master is captured in a realistic way to which I can relate to...though my time of returning home was uncertain my cat somehow knew and would be waiting near our entrance 10 minutes before i arrived as folks back home used to tell me..
.................................................................

thank you, Raj

thank you, Raj
i agree about the third stanza

I'm sure you'll fix that IRiz

I'm sure you'll fix that IRiz and will keep following how you do it...
......................................................................

the only thing I like most is

even Tomcats love girls
Irene lol

lol

yeah I suppose so lol

yeah I always wondered
what a mundane place this world would've been
had it been devoid of the fairer sex
guys wouldn't have known what love is

Very familiar images

Tom cat is a great metaphor for longing and waiting for the faithful return of his/her owner. I love the stanza regarding waiting on the porch. Here on the farm, there is a near blind and deaf cat called Monty ( a old She-Cat) who miraculously always manages to find us, wherever we are sitting, and comes skulking slowly up the paddock looking for a friendly seat, and scratch on the ear. Favourite line so far is:
"On the old steps Tomcat watches the cars."
The sense I get is that peaceful, indifferent patience of those who wait. No particular critique, would just love to know what happens after the scratch on the ear. Much enjoyed.

Cheers.

Chris.