raj

Jul 04, 2018

Pillow Note # 1

I'll be late at home
but don't feel alone
leave the door open
to let the breeze in
play with your hair
swirl strands around
your anxious face

then close your eyes
you will see in them
those chocolate nights
remember the game
we coined "hands of clock"
you the hour, me the minute
and at stroke of midnight
we glue as one

replay that clock
in your eyes
from the hour
when we just let go
I promise to join you
just in time
to pin you down
at zero
and be home
in your smiling eyes
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About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

..

Seems

as though you could have made it longer and prettier!
The use of [it] for the breeze would have done better rather than [they].
Just too many things wrong with leaving the door open at night when you aren't home.
~ Geezer.
.

Thanks Geezer

for taking time to read and comment. Will see what can be done to improve.
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Hi raj

Hi raj
I loved the first stanza, but the second ended abruptly. the first stanza is all about images, but the last is a bald statement. And although the last stanza is the key, the pivot point, it does not share the warmth of the first. I think if you could elaborate a little more (the abrupt ending is three lines) and give also images there, it would be perfect.

I do not have a problem with leaving the door open, since the poem is an idyll.

Thanks tyro

for the read and comment. I will take your suggestions into consideration and see what I can do to extend the second stanza.. I thought that the whole poem is a bit too long since it is supposed to be a pillow note..
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hi again tyro and Geezer

i have worked on your common suggestion by adding more content. Hope you find this better...
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Pillow Note

This is so romantic. The lady in request must be really happy to get it!

Hi Rula

thanks for your good words. Actually I tried to build this poem around the sense of caring, belonging, giving a pleasant surprise and finding that feeling of home in the smiling eyes of the loved one with a bit of fun and of course knowing when the partner is likely to feel alone....

sadly with the advent of Cell phones there is no place now for pillow notes..
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This incredible piece makes one really think

This incredible piece makes one really think. About the seasons the air we breath and the touch of a hand to hold. Savor each memory that is presented. I may come across as being cold at times but i really have a special place in my heart for poetry. Everyday i search for the latest poem that comes across feeling very positive to me. Grasping the dear message that each poem has been presented. you show your growth with each delicate penned piece that I come across reading. Thank you for the chance to have read. (Poet Mario William Vitale)

Pillow Note # 1

About This Poem

About the Author

Comments

..

Seems

Thanks Geezer

Hi raj

Thanks tyro

hi again tyro and Geezer

Pillow Note

Hi Rula

This incredible piece makes one really think

Thanks Mario

Hi raj yes, i find it better.

Thanks for returning to this

Giving numbers

You're right ...because the

This means

Hi Rula

"and be home

Thanks Tyro