gregwa8

Jul 04, 2018

Florence and the 4th

Listening to Florence and the Machine
On my car CD player
And following the backyard fireworks
Down country roads

“I couldn’t hide from the thunder
In a sky full of song”

History is full of
Such blood flow
And blood shed

Hitch and release
Famine and feast

The night sky, tonight
Is filled with more
Than starlight and blackness

And though we are all
Celebrating or grieving something
A little bit different

“Grace, I know you carry us”

Sometimes we hear
The cry of freedom
More clearly

Sometimes we mourn
More deeply
The beast who
Tries to hold us back

Even if it is within

“We all have a hunger”

And it is more than one night
But some hundred years
Of longing and loss and fulfillment

A nation built
On battles and dreams

“I want a space…
“I want a space
To watch things grow”

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Comments

My favourite crit these days is summed up as-

'Don't take yourself too seriously.'

I don't mean write funny poems of dirty limericks.

I mean use your verbal craft to add a little irony, some play on words, even some sarcasm.

I promise, if you don't write angst-written, intense, deep and meaningful poetry it will lower people's guard, make it more human. And you will be taken more seriously.

That last three lines of this poem got a bit of the idea.

thanks, Jess, for the

thanks, Jess, for the direction. it is a little dry and lacking in word "play", I suppose. perhaps too general, impersonal. thanks,
greg

your poem

I am one ridiculously out of touch with pop music. I enjoyed seeing a Florence and machine (whom I never heard of) video just now of Hunger. Nice song. I see the MTV model for video hasn't changed an inch in 50 years. I mean I'm really in the dark...when someone asks me what music I like I say "50's sounds" and they answer, "Oh that ol rock and roll?" I say "No, 1650's" .
Yea, that bad.

So it was hard for me to get into this poem. Objectively, without knowing the reference, things don't connect enough. It did seem to be going somewhere with this, connecting it to date (4th of July) with these very strong lines:

And it is more than one night
But some hundred years
Of longing and loss and fulfillment

A nation built
On battles and dreams

and where are we now? That is the big question of our times, and how we will get out of this age of
anxieties as the very foundations of freedom being challenged. I think it's a serious issue, and one poets," the unacknowledged legislators of the world", should grapple with.

Thanks, Eumolpus, for the

Thanks, Eumolpus, for the comment. It is a powerful song/video, "Hunger," I think. I'm glad you got a chance to check it out. I guess part of my challenge/intent was melding that sort of passion with a passionate look at the reality of our nation right now (one founded on the principle of freedom) and the way we're torn now, and have been throughout our history. (The "hitch and release," being attached to England and then breaking free.) It was cool how the music I was listening to that night seemed to capture some of the poetic ideas I was feeling, "Sky full of song," an apt description of fireworks, etc. Often the seeds of my ideas are better than the fleshed out poems, but hopefully I'll get better as I write!

Florence and the 4th

About This Poem

About the Author

Comments

My favourite crit these days is summed up as-

thanks, Jess, for the

your poem

Thanks, Eumolpus, for the

Visualize a masterpiece

thanks chevyvent!

I may only add dear poet of music

as does life in you! thanks

thanks for your kindness