It was not what I would call a lazy day
Because although we were driving
Through the country
Without a destination
We were determined to find something
That we could remember forever
The date on an old covered bridge
Captured with a camera
The sweetest strawberries
From a farmer’s market
Just across the state line
A goodwill store and hiking boots
That would last a hundred more days
Than that hike through the Adirondacks
As we walked
You wondered why it was important
The date on the bridge
And I said that it was the time
Something became possible
What was apart came together
The two became one
And I thought of the river
That used to run through our lives
Until we decided to take trips like this
Comments
nice theme
nice theme
the date(s) on the bridge, the strawberries etc. at first read sounded hypothetical; i.e.as in "for instance" but later on the poem seemed to suggest they were real things found on this particular trip. Maybe you could clarify that a bit.
what is the reason for plural dates on the bridge...am I nit-picking a bit?
I do like the the piece as a whole though
nice analogy
a gentle and pleasurable read
p.s. I live in the Adirondack region ..
thanks Al. i changed it to
thanks Al. i changed it to "date" instead of dates. i guess they're not like grave stones, huh, with more than one date? i actually live in the DelMarVa area. but since this poem is sort of based on real life, but ultimately fictional, I chose a place name that rolled off the tongue, that is also just over a state line. is it beautiful up there? could you suggest how to clarify the specific versus general? interested in how you see it improved.
simply add "and we did" after
simply add "and we did" after the line "that we could remember forever"
plus, that would add a little separation similar to a new paragraph, so to speak
the Adirondacks are stunning
Interstate 87, also known as the Northway, cuts and winds through the eastern section and was once cited as the most scenic road in the America.
I hope this is helpful
Hi Greg
I won't comment on this lovely poem...however I would suggest that you would do a great deal of good [deed] if you stick this poem on either side of the bridge...
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haha, what do you mean, raj?
haha, what do you mean, raj?
Greg what I said simply means
Greg what I said simply means that your poem would signify the importance of the bridge to those who cross it...
it is also meaningful in the context of relationships which cannot happen by simply standing on either shores...
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gotcha!
gotcha!
i don't often do this
but please allow me. Sometimes we read a poem and feel right away some things, and this is them:
We were driving
Through the country
Without a destination
We were determined to find something
That we could remember
The date on an old covered bridge
Captured on camera
The sweetest strawberries
From a farmer’s market
Just across the state line
A goodwill store and hiking boots
That would last a longer
Than a hike through the Adirondacks
You wondered why it mattered
The date on the bridge
And I said that it was when
Something became possible
What was apart came together
The two became one
And I thought of the river
That used to run through our lives
As we shared the red strawberries
with our memories.
(I took out things I felt were not part of the narrative -"lazy day" because no destination says that.
I altered the working about the boots to fit with the meter. In the final stanza I shortened it and tried to bring back somehow the strawberries, as they were part of the experience of the day and i felt should be brought back as another memory of day. and the idea of remembering the day and memory. )
Often other poets do a rewrite of my poem and I'm very cool with it, I hope you are too. It us just meant as a suggestion and I always find a different take helpful and hope you feel the same.
thanks mark for your offering
thanks mark for your offering. i like what you did with it. it is difficult at times, to get the right feel and also make the most logical sense. this poem has been difficult for me in that way. everybody's suggestions have been helpful.
u make me recall
when i was out on my own
out of my teens
in search of someone unique
I saw her in the Plaza
We stared
none had the guts to approach the other
she was like Venus
and I a lost bull in the jungle
but the look left an imprint on my mind
till today
and as raj did say I posted the snap
hers only on both side of the Plaza
hoping she would do similarly
but sad
I couldn't make it
May be some day I will
thanks for the rejoinder
But now MISSISSIPPI must have emptied......