Here besides
I lay with 4am,
replaying all the
nights before last,
a movie I've seen
a thousand times
plays eternally
and on, and on
forty two inches
of LCD magic,
clear as crystal
they mime life
Hell would be a
fine place,
its fires licking
to catapult against
a silenced verity
A brown bottle,
a syringe filled
to its plunger,
a liquid inferno
curses my veins,
I watch the night
creep on iron,
I see gargoyles
spring to life,
as ghost shadows
dance and flicker,
yet I long for light
to cut through
these darken stays
Beyond illumination
there the corporal
decays the dream
of hope measured
with a darkened eye
At 5am, closing
my eyes I pray
for twilight
to return.
Hope in darkness
seems so very easy,
yet so is this agony,
never dulling, never
this affray
Comments
Jayne...i have no words to
Jayne...i have no words to explain how you have created the imagery..emotions...feelings..mood in such a vivid manner...
i wonder if you have tried to play in the background soft instrumental music like Sitar or Flute or something serene for the time beyond wakeful hours...
take best care....
warmly...
.............................................................
Thank you Raj. I listen to a
Thank you Raj. I listen to a lot of Hans Zimmers music when I write. No words just rhe melodies coursing through my veins. And funnily enough they sometimes shape the journey of the poem
Some music needs no words to speak to you.
Hugs xxx goodnight !!
Good..that's the reason I
Good..that's the reason I suggested pure instrumental music which is soothing to the ear and soul...
.................................................
Raj
Very few of my poems are written without music piped straight into my head.
Hugs x
You have described...
a night of torment and I have had a few of those. But I can't imagine knowing that they will never stop,
that they will return night after night. I have a few suggestions to kind of make this smoother, if you don't mind.
This is how I would try it.
Here I lie,
beside 4 AM
Replaying all the nights
before last
A movie I've seen
a thousand times
plays eternally
On and on and on...
Forty-two inches
of LCD magic
crystal clear and
miming life
Hell, would be a fine place
it's fire catapulted
against
the silenced verity
I watch the night creep on
as shadows dance and flicker
and I long for light
to cut through
these blackened stays
never dulling, never ending
Syringes filled
with a liquid fire
push the inferno
through my veins
and I watch the night
creep on
Gargoyles spring to life
and ghostly shadows
dance and flicker
I long for light
to cut through
these empty stays
beyond illumination
The corporeal decays
the dream of hope
measured with a blind eye
Hope in darkness
seems so very easy
Yet, so is this agony
never dulling
never ending...
Of course, I would never expect you to use everything I have set here,
but I do hope that I may have given you some good advice and you
might use something that will help you. I eliminated the line breaks
to ease the the pressure of where to put them, although you may want to
use some. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Bro.
Hey Bro
I liked a few of your suggestions i will keep the line breaks for the time being they delineate my experience the brown bottle is important reality in the poem so i must keep that. I'll visit this again tonight I'm running on fumes atm.
Love and higgliest bugs always and forever Sis xxx
Hey Mark
Yes dark have my nights been of late. Thanks for leaving your mark
Love n hugs J xx
I did like your poem
and i think we all have woken in a cold sweat at 4 am with an abstract feeling of despair.
Most of the poem works for me but I was distracted by the syringe and following images. I immediately consider images of drug use, (using syringe with needles to find the vein) or being in a hospital, or trying to figure out what's in the "brown bottle". I try to avoid any distraction from the narrative idea of a poem if it takes the reader away and out of the universe of the poem. This image is vague to me and does not connect to the poem.
..
Hello Eumolpus
I dont wake at 4am I wish it was so. I've been ill for sometime and rately sleep at all in the wee small hours, 4am seems to be the buildup of pain sleeplessness etc. The brown bottle holds medication and the syringe is a part of my night experience though in a medical way not drug use related. I've been at Neopoet since 2007. I dont post much due to ill health.
I will revisit this over the next few days. Its not my best work.and it needs tweaking.
Thanks for your thoughts and review much appreciated
Regards Jayne :)
Of course
And please understand as a newer reader here I don’t know your history. I certainly wish you some relief in what is obviousy a very challenging life for you.
I think there are surely ways you could introduce your condition to the reader in the poem or a statement before the poem followed by this and perhaps many others. It would certainly open the reader to your world and the poem both comprehended and felt by that abstract reader we all write for
Hi Eumolpus !!
I dont want to give too much away. My conditions renal failure and spinal tumours and a couple of other minor conditions are my bane. I guess I failed in this poem hopefully i can do better in the future to illuminate the readers
Thanks again for your time.
Cheers Jayne.
Jayne
A write that conveys a restless night brought on by continuous pain, I am so sorry we cannot hold the spaces between the bouts where you are free. I listen to music all the time when at the computer it distracts the real world and makes it believe everything is fine , this leaves me to write as I wish..
The quiet is no friend of mine, Not sure if you can listen to the same as I do but here is a piece of it ..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FrWoVC6SZ8
Hope you can find it then switch that tele off it is not good for you.
I have an old tape player next to the bed it feeds four speakers one in each corner of the room and I play soft music to go to sleep with.
You take care and know we are trying to look after you as always,
Yours Da xxx