IRiz
IRiz
Jun 02, 2018

A Drink

I drink
coffee with Cuban rum
and coconut cream.
I celebrate the beginning of summer
by planting forty maple seeds
into a wooden bin.
In three years they will be ready for training.
I wonder,
how many of them will survive
and become my bonsai woodland.
I wish I could have tiny birds to chirp
and better yet children
to climb the branches
or at least a turtle
to shuffle on the miniature turf.

The thunderstorm runs in full blast again
for the seventh afternoon in a row.
Windowpanes rattle
and lightings blink nonstop.
I love
the first swoosh of water
when drizzle turns into rain
and sudden darkening of the sky.
This evening it has a golden undertone,
as if I look through a yellow glass.

Today on my morning jog
I saved two dehydrated earthworms.
They looked particularly ugly.
The tips, head and tail, were
much darker almost black,
their skinny bodies wiggled
on the sunlit asphalt
every move getting lighter.
Even birds did not like them.

I drink coffee with Cuban rum.
I wish I could share it with a friend,
but he is on the other side of the globe
having his own rain.
I wish I could help the neighbor
who lost her dog.
I wish I could spit and roses
start growing right on the spot.

I drink coffee with Cuban rum
and coconut cream.
I did not say a single word today
but I dreamed.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: how is my words order ?

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō

More from this author

Comments

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Hi MarkL,
Thank you for reading and detailed comment.
I haven't met you before here. So I pleased to meet you.
I reread the poem to make sure I am consistent with my logic. And it seems to me I am.
The dreaming part is only when I say I wish...
The rest of it is real life.
The last stanza said that even if I did not have a chance to say a word today I dreamt. It doesn't imply that all I did was dreaming and in the text it is stated that I was planting the trees and I was on a trail.
I will correct "roses start growing" on the tomorrow edits, I suspect I might need to introduce more changes .
Again, thanks and I am going to look up your profile in positive anticipation to find an interesting collection of poems.
Best wishes, Irene.

Eumolpus

I drink coffee with Cuban rum.
I did not say a single word today
but I dreamt.

This saved the poem from a journal entry looking for poem. For me the entries are too scattered,
an important part of a process to find a poem...but they are undisciplined, as they should be in a journal, letting your mind wander where it it. And then it finds the poem, the "a ha" moment.
When this happens to me I then go back, and try to craft a poem, and sometimes get lucky!

Eumolpus

I do think you have very good idea in not speaking all day while caught in a dream, as you expressed it. I would attack that idea and it's presence in your daily activities; the silence of these activities and how they fill the silence with dream. Connecting the stanzas to the central idea. Creating something a reader will feel union with in their own lives, wishing to memorize your poem. The idea is there.
...

R

raj

6 years 10 months ago

surely you have let your imagination go wild here...looking at the world around you through a concave glass...it made be beam all through until i was jarred by these two lines

I wish I could spit and roses
start grow right on the spot.

i wonder why you chose them...would like to know that...
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IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Hahaha,
because it is hard to grow them.
But I want them everywhere. That is why.

R

I didn't know spit is a bio fertilizer for roses...being a scientist i give you the benefit of doubt ...may be you used it as a more aesthetically decent option...but i now know of the intent ..
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