Who knows of one who profits in breath,
in dark corners hides, in search of mess.
He's never welcomed regardless his dress,
and yet he'll visits, his name being death.
He'd wear some masks you may not know,
and shall break in, through windows and doors,
his atmos benefits are gained from wars,
oh tell me that which I'm not ready for.
Last Few Words: Two structured forms about the same guy (death) I know that limericks were meant for funny and nonsense subject, but maybe this time I'm ready for jess's long-life challenge? And ah sorry for the dark mood of this. My question is which form do you think works better?
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Rula
another example of how you studiously take up challenges as also experiment using your creativity...
among the two forms of the same theme, in this case I liked the limerick because it comes to the point quickly. I know Jess would like this serious limerick.
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Thank you friend
I too was happy with the limerick, so we are on the same page. I thought the title is a bit longish. I'm thinking of a chage. In fact I have one in mind, but don't mind hearing from everyone before I decide to change or not.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts dear raj
Since you are thinking about
changing the title I am offering few suggestion
Invisible Guy
Most Unwelcome Guest
"You Next" Guide
Mr. Spooky
Mr. Certain
Puppeteer in Dark Cloak
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Dear Raj
I v. much appreciate the offered titles. To be honest, I liked them all. They are all better than mine, but I wanted to keep it Rula-esqe
Thank you dear friend.
Really
Rula,
This guy is in fact unresistable he is a kind of guy that comes always inevitable, just that he always at the wrong and painful time. We only have to take him the way he is. Thanks for this poem.
Thank you simon
always great to be read by a new poet. You haven't told me though if you have any favorite form. Would like to hear from you.
Which one works better for you?
Hello dear Rula,
Hello dear Rula,
I like the first one far better because it lays out your thought and makes it complete. In the limerick I do not feel the second line does enough to clear it up. I do have a question, atmost, I do not know this word. Is it a made up word? I like the first very much.
Hello dear tyro
and many thanks for the kind visit.
"Atmos" is the word I wanted, a typo.
Thank you so much!
Hi Rula
a limerick on death? Now that's a twist lol. Here's your first (i think better) form with a few changes you can smoke over :
Who knows of one who profits in breath
He's never welcomed regardless his dress,
In dark corner he hide making red mess
no denying his visits, his name being death.
He'd wear some masks you may not know
and break in, through windows and doors,
His greatest benefits are gained from wars
oh tell me that which I'm not ready for.
Hello Stan
Happy to see you active again.hope all is well with your knee.
I appreciate the offered changes, shall do some editz soon.
Thank you so much.
In my opinion
perhaps the title will read better as "Fear of the Unknown"...this is also because one generally fears "of" and not "from"....you may even delete "from" and keep it as "Fearing the Unknown"...your choice of course..
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Dear raj
Thanks for the non stopping support. I'm grateful.
Dear Mark
thanks for raising this issue. I'm taking some baby steps in the wild wide world of poetry. I joined in here to learn. Nobody toldme before that the sing song meter distracts the seriousness of the theme. This is a brand new information and I highly appreciate it
The limerick (which has been deleted) was only a try to accept jess's challenge to write a serious limerick, ( but I think he didn't have the chance to)
Mark.... again thank you so much for your honesty. It's all that I need to improve my poetry.
Salam, Rula
this piece reminds me of what I have forgotten ever since I focus more on my malay poetry of late. I like the way you express it different from the other limerick poems. Good job.
Alid
Thank you
khalid. Great to know you like it, though reflects a bit of dark mood
always nice to hear from you.
intriguing poem! a worthy
intriguing poem! a worthy poem, for a difficult subject. i personally like the sing song for the serious issue. what better way to pin death down than in a song?