themoonman
themoonman
Jan 31, 2011

The Reflection

We are all strange and sad,
so close in nature's breath as to be
somewhat the same human discrepancy,
unhardened children were we,
happily ignorant ...
I miss that today.

My tattoo's need color and the sag worked out,
funny isn't it, knowing what's needed and turning
away, keeping it down until explosions occur.
Damn humans ... capable of greatness, but we sure
fuck up along the way, making enemies of strange
and wonderful others ...
I miss them all today.

Here in the house the t.v. keeps us tuned in,
we leave the sound off, my wife likes to imitate
the happier shows, and we talk ...
I'll miss her the most, she loves and knows
the unsorted me.

I've missed out on being missed much,
rounded the corner from contributor, to the
ever-more-needy, skied down the last bunny hill,
climbed the final rock face some twelve years ago,
I miss that too ...
the chance that today could be the day,
now just waking up is a pain-killer needed,
a shot from the bottle to make the unbearable,
bearable these last few moments ...
but dammit; I'll miss that too.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

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Comments

themoonman

thank you for reading and commenting ... the bad word is
"young" lol ... getting older hurts sometimes, oh well ehh

my love to you and Anne

Richard

themoonman

Thank you for that comment ... and glad you liked the piece.

I think we all reflect and know how much we've messed up,
but it's all part of being human.

Richard

O

You managed to kick your boots off and get a solid piece of this one. This really touches an honest place within-regret, yet with a proud roguish thoughtfulness. I think you can tighten it up a little more by trying to pare down some sentences thus further emphasizing the content: example-
"unhardened children, happily ignorant,
I miss that today"
Getting to the point quick in impact poetry like this gives it more pop. But don't listen too me ; I'm rumored to be an asshole, and Anna says don't argue with the truth. Great poem-heart felt and real. I'd say I love you but that would be too much bull-shit, even for me.

B

themoonman

Thanks for the critique, I agree it needed some
tightening up, did some but there may be more ...
let me stew on it a bit more.

Don't worry about that nasty rumor, some think
the same thing about me, and I know I am at times,
hell, been practicing my whole life.

love ya man ... there, it's been said.

Richard

weirdelf

without a trace of bitterness or nostalgic sentiment. I also really like what reads almost as spoken language in reality being skillfully crafted verse.

The only thing that bothers me a little is the enhambment within the lines-

ever-more-needy, skied down the last bunny hill,

which, to me, jars a little, opposite concepts with a sentence. Counterpoints, sure, but see what I mean?

themoonman

I appreciate your help, I wanted to keep the skiing image,
but agree that the word "toboggan" may suit the line in a
smoother tone ... let me think on it.

When I was young, down here in the south, a toboggan
was a skull cap, like a robbers mask ... when we moved
to New Jersey, they thought I was one dumb country boy
for not knowing it was a sled.

thanks Ian

K

Imo, (yeah I throw a lot of that around), a poem like this is supposed to jar, to whip the reader into the shape of the poet, if only as long as it is being read.

Even if the bunny slope will have lasting lines of the skier.

~A

Candlewitch

My favorite lines:

We are all strange and sad,
so close in nature's breath as to be
somewhat the same human discrepancy,
unhardened children were we,
happily ignorant ...
I miss that today.

as for unhardened children, there is a lot to be desired here for someone who had not yet hardened enough. I am still hurt very easily and long for the hardening. I like this poem very much as it brings memories from yesterday and long ago. It is a well done piece which is very evocative. I have no suggestions, only appreciation.

Always, Cat