tyro
Apr 16, 2018

Daughter

While his daughter is at play
a feeling overwhelms him
as his heart begins to well.

Then the developing storm,
that brews within his breast,
calls him to the place of love.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: The Nederlands

Favorite Poets: William Butler Yates

More from this author

Comments

Eumolpus

not sure of heart begins to "well" , although dyslexia would have me read it "swell".
Then I also need clarity on the concept of the storm that calls to the place of love.

To me one of the most difficult things we need to do in poetry is detach from the poem and become an abstract reader, who knows nothing other than the presented poem. I think this poem needs to be longer and clarify, in poetic terms, it's intent.

..

T

Thanks for the replies Mark and Eumolpus. Since both comments focus on the same two issues I will answer them togather. The first may be easy to explain, but by the second it seems I assumed too much.

Well, in this sentence, is the verb, though I did not add the object, thinking, would be understood as well up.

verb (used without object)
9.
to rise, spring, or gush, as water, from the earth or some other source (often followed by up, out, or forth):
Tears welled up in my eyes.
verb (used with object)
10.
to send welling up or forth:
a fountain welling its pure water.

By the second, I was thinking brews would give the hint, in the sense of,

to contrive, plan, or bring about:
to brew mischief.

only here, no mischief was brewing, the emotions were building within the breast like a brewing storm. I think it was just these storming emotions within the breast that cause antiquity to consider the heart to be the seat of love.

R

raj

7 years ago

good couplet borne of affection. You have already responded to the comments of Mark and Eumolpus... I propose tiny changes for your evaluation

Line 1: Replace as with "While"
Line 3: Replace "And" with ""as"

See if they work for you.

could feel the emotion in this crisp couplet
........................................................................

T

Eumolpus, I have a question, do you think changing (developing storm) to
(emotional storm) would help clarify the concept of the storm?

Eumolpus

but rather than state it, i would describe the storm using any of the poetic devises at our disposal-
an image, metaphor, something real or surreal which would make us understand, or better feel, that storm of joy and overwhelming sentiment.
I think many of us can relate to it...me recently watching my 3 year old grandson at play, singing to himself.

..
..

lovedly

each views from his own mind's eye
some how I think
a poet should leave a message of what his poetry is all about

When too many questions are asked
I am happy Shakespeare isn't here
and in his time Internet wasn't anywhere near
else he would have given up his loneliness (lonesomeness)
which even today is legendary

Thanks he no one dares ask him

Read Frost
he is the leading poet today
Maya Angelou is second
Shakespeare I think
is 3rd or 4th

weirdelf

as the father's fear of the onset of puberty. What father wouldn't?

Still, as I often say, once I post my work it belongs to my reader and they can make of it what they will. Though that can be incredibly frustrating when I have something specific to say that no-one seems to get.

That this six liner provoked so much response is very impressive and I'm very glad to see you are already making yourself a valuable member of this community with critique to others.

R

raj

7 years ago

Jess your perception of between the lines message strikes me to be true....I hadn't read it that way....I will look for response of tyro to your comment
...............................................................................

T

I'm not sure I understand the first verse of the second stanza (developing storm) Hmm perhaps some clarification there ... Mark

Then I also need clarity on the concept of the storm Eumolpus

I read "the developing storm" as... Weirdelf

I see this storm is causing a lot of confusion, perhaps because it seems to jump in from nowhere.
Eumolpus came closes to my meaning in the poem. "I think many of us can relate to it...me recently watching my 3 year old grandson at play, singing to himself."

Daughter

Watching his daughter play
such feeling overwhelms him
that his heart begins to well,

and emotions flare up in him
like wild elements of a storm;
the calm center radiating love.

I tried developing storm as a metaphor, but am not sure of the last line as it seems more a tack on than a solid anchor to stir thought or emotion. I would love to hear the thoughts of those who posted on this poem.