IRiz
IRiz
Mar 31, 2018

March in new boots

March in new boots
booms away on the bridge,
stomps the puddles with kids,
breaks reflections with winds,
screeches and rumbles
with birds on the roofs.
Falling apart
with the yesteryear rags,
it throbs in new roots and buds.
March writes with me
bursting out in sticky
and slightly anemic first lines
about leaves, talons, kisses
and lost in the wind
shadows and shingles.

IRiz 2018

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō

More from this author

Comments

S

Indeed a time which brings the chaos of change. It also brings good things like Me lol.....stan

R

raj

7 years ago

March seems to be your favorite month probably because it welcomes spring. I don't know you let it stomp because it was held back pretty long almost to the edge of March. What I liked most about this poem my friend is its rhythm.
..............................

Eumolpus

nice work for a month we usually "beware the ides of.."

I would consider breaking the poem into 2 stanzas that start with March.
The only line I question is "booms away on the bridge" I feel the bridge is too abstract, as there are small and gigantic ones, and would prefer an adjective for more description of the bridge or another accessible image for "booms"- a loud sound. (example, Booms through the trees, which would cause the frightened birds to go to the roofs.)
Otherwise tight work.

weirdelf

I simply could not get any sort of handle on this poem, hence the very belated response.
I'm very pleased to see Raj's response "What I liked most about this poem my friend is its rhythm."
That's what I was looking for.
Care to inform me a bit about your intentions?

You have a finely tuned sense of cadence but it is not meter. This is where the process gets tricky and at times a bit tiresome for both of us. You doing seemingly pointless exercises like a schoolchild and me going through the lengthy process of parsing them. I can't think of any short cuts. Do it just once, I urge you and promise you you will feel a new power in your pen. Four quatrains, all in strict meter. One in Iambic pentameter, one in trochaic hexameter, one in Anapaestic trimeter or pentameter, one in Dactylic trimeter or pentameter. There is a reason for the foot count which you will realise as you work with each meter. They all have distinct sounds and tone. Every poet should do this exercise at least once in their life. In fact I'm going to run a superquick workshop starting immediately with this exercise as the whole thing while Stan's 'Unfinished Works' is on hold.

IRiz

thank you for the offer
but i think English is not a language for the meter invented by Greeks
russian is more suitable for it
but even there clean meter sounds like a homemade cookies
i would do the exercise when i free my mind a little
all i can think now is my unfinished novel
if you want to help me on that one
i am looking for my first reader

weirdelf

The workshop starts in two days and I only know three members on this site who would not benefit from it.
It is a new tool, that's all, a very important one, not meant to change you or your poetry, just an extra thing in your kit.
Hope to see you there.