back home
winter wind
left bristle-burns
content
safe and warm
still carry cold storms
my veins
remember
and miss the thrill
Feb 23, 2018
This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
winter ride
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Even
Even
tense moments
leave a trail
Theme parks
are nerve rankling
yet full of fun
I miss
the noise
of roller coaster
.........................
Trace? Perhaps. Cool poem.
Trace? Perhaps. Cool poem. Thank you for you poetic reply.
"trail" in the sense of
"trail" in the sense of fading memories..
sunku awakens lovedlu
sunku
awakens
lovedluly
ensure
charity
commences
likely
lovers do
merrily woohoo
(howz the syllables count poetree)
i
i
think
this
was a lovely
powem
lol seriously I'd leave out "still" and you'd have a fantastic mood piece here.
Shall I use yet instead of
Shall I use yet instead of still?
Yes
I think yet has a more assonantal rhythm to it than "still", though generally I love the word "still".
I think it would be a definite improvement. But only my opinion.
Best
Why do you suggest to remove
Why do you suggest to remove still?
like it IRiz...
...but it's fractured.
even with such a segmented form as this,
it has to flow, does it not question mark.
sorry, shift key knackered. smiley face.
v
x
I don't know
I don't know
well, if you don't...
...how am i supposed to help.
give me some feed to feed me.
v
x
Because--
Because it really doesn't work in a syllabic sense. Doesn't sound good. "Yet" is soft, fleeting, and adds a musicality to it
:)
:)
:)
:)
Yeah
Maybe I could make my smiley face is a little bigger there! Don't know the app.
Gosh darn.
Pax