Deep sleep slipping
Into the cosmos of the sandman,
My body floats into a world
Where my imagination runs
Through hills,
I stand singing on a comet
And dancing
Along the milky way,
Riding on Saturn’s rings
As I jump out into the ether,
Just to find I don’t fall. I fly.
Sightseeing among the stars, I’m blinded.
It is morning.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Love it
Hello!
I have not seen you before here.
Thank you for the great poem that feels like a mother paw itself.
I love the soft sounding beginning of it. I relate to it.
The ringing and echoing sound of the hooves against metallic sparkling star dust is the vivid continuation of the poem dream antithesis to grey reality.
Great poem.
Horseback riding I think is fine
I am not sure you need to write horsebacking,
Correct me if I am wrong please.
Good Point
Read it again. I think you have a point, horseback is not needed.
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I just meant ing ending to
I just meant ing ending to the word horseback.
Would you like to try to write a sunku?
A new short form poem in three stanzas,
each stanza has three lines with 2-3-4
sillobi structure. I would love to hear a new voice like yours there. Let me know what you think.
Hi Maya
Your poem has necessary ingredient to qualify for posting it in the February Contest. You may consider it..
Regards...
Contest
Thanks for the tip
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Hi again Maya
If you decide to classify this poem as part of the February Contest, all you need to do is to
suffix the Title of your poem with [February Contest] as also select the option February Contest
Regards...
Hi T
Nice work. I especially like the end
As I jump out into the ether,
Just to find I don’t fall. I fly.
Sightseeing among the stars, I’m blinded.
It is morning.
The poem about slipping into sleep, into a comfort world, imagination and dream does not fit the title to me. I understand the intent, but would prefer a title connected more to the theme of falling a lseep in some way.
That has a wonderful abstraction that works in the mind of (this ) reader
I would reconsider "Into the cosmos of the sandman" I think the sandman puts you in a state, not brings you somewhere..but sandman seems a bit corny to me.
Lastly I would prefer
I stand singing on a comet
Along the milky way,
Riding on Saturn’s rings
not sure you need to mention MJ , and confuses the image with the horseback. To me this alone carries us along with you.
Pleasant dreams.
..
Thanks
I choose the title because everything in the poem supports the fact that Monday brings you out of your dream and state of comfort, which the poem describes. The details like MJ, just describes the ability to do extraordinary things in your dreams.
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Ode to sleep
You poem could be nicely added to the Handel Opera Alceste, with this lovely song of sleep:
Gentle Morpheus, son of night,
hither speed thy airy flight!
and his weary senses steep
in the balmy dew of sleep.
Nice poem! I think your language is great.. deep sleep slipping, sightseeing the stars, ... it is "music for the human voice",
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