I cry
Not for you
Just the memory
Droplets
Flowing free
I turn mirrors
Hidden
Inside me
A truth of love.
Take care Ian.
Feb 17, 2018
This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
Tears (Sunku New Style)
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Away at the moment but will sort out on return home..
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
It is wonderful and sad poem
Thank you for the submission.
Not sure about if there a difference between
Inside me
Or
Inside of me?
Irene
The use of some sayings are usually from where the person came from, I would use, "Inside me" as having taken something and where it was after lol.
"Inside of me" is a feeling created by circumstances of just a feeling, or my being that is not usually physical ????
And it filled the criteria for the Sunku lol.
Take care have a great day,
Yours as always Ian.x
Just an observation
Just an observation
Inside me in fact is 3 where as addition of an "of" makes it a 4 syllable line
will "within me" do?
Raj,
It's me that failed to count to three, have fixed the fault,
Thanks for your input, great workshop,
Take care will be home later this week,
Yours Ian.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your explanation,
the minute difference like that not always easy to understand.
Rereading your poem again
Rereading your poem again
and loving it sad vibe,
I want to sit down with you in the shade
and share a glass of wine.
Let past to be past and yet,
let's remember the days
when our loved ones were there with us
to share true stories and tell tales.
Irene
Just a thought of what you have said adapted to your Sunku ways, lol.
Though reality would be great, to sit a while 'neath the cherry trees of Washington, talking of worldly things, makes my imagination reel La La..
I wait
Sitting here
Clothed in shade
Wine flows
A soft voice
Enjoying the now
Loving
Memories glow
The past eclipsed..
Take care and thanks for a great new way of writing, Yours Ian.x
Thank you for another
Thank you for another beautiful Sunku!
I did not write yet about it but I believe that aesthetics of Sunku continue Zen tradition and are based on three elements:
1 ---- rustic simplicity that makes us accept imperfection and shift the focus away from our ego
2 ----- withered elegance that reminds to focus on present while it lasts
and 3 ----- mysterious beuaty that makes us accept incompleteness and let readers fill the gaps and solve the mystery the way they want
Your poem looks like a perfect example implimenting the above princeples.
Simplicity:
I wait
Sitting here
Clothed in shade
The few words create very powerful metaphor!
Its simplicity is the most delightful!
Here and now:
Wine flows
A soft voice
Enjoying the now
Mysterious beauty:
Loving
Memories glow
The past eclipsed.
You do not specify what kind of memories, what happened in the past, your image creates associations with celestial cycles, refers to the law of nature without mentioning all these overused words.
Irene
I write things that flow through these thoughts of mine also I use to write for people.
I guess the memories are accepted as a beacon to the present, they glow as a marker so that we may learn of being where we are and the journey travelled.
My memories are of death, right the way through to ecstasy, having a lot of Spiritual connections for ever, even death can be a release from many things even some of true love.
The whole essence of being has to be focused on which part of being you need at any given time.
I could write for ever, though it is your own thoughts and truth that will guide you always,
Yours as always, Ian..x
Yes I see what you mean.
Yes I see what you mean.
Could you post the last poem into the workshop? It deserves a separate post.
I refer to it in the blog I just posted.