My friend
is trying
not to scratch me.
But still
his feet stomp,
metal thorns ring.
He can't
hear white noise
of my poems.
Feb 12, 2018
This poem is part of the workshop:
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form
hedgehogfriend
About This Poem
Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I liked the Title as well as
I liked the Title as well as the content of this poem...would "whistle" be a good replacement to "white"..I recon whistle is a monosyllable...just a thought...even white is good..
The replacement would change
The replacement would change the meaning
White noise means something that exist on the background like a rustle of leaves and sounds of rain or wind.
Oh Ok...makes sense to me now
Oh Ok...makes sense to me now...
Sometimes
Sometimes
when treading
carefully on eggs
poor lone
echidna's
efforts are futile
perhaps
it's better
to show your nature.
I agree.
I agree.
Thank you for a poetic reply!