raj

Jan 19, 2018

Heart Tugs [Attempt at Sunku]

I hear
your heart beats
across ocean

Its waves
in frenzy
cause commotion

Grey clouds
swirl above
consume our blues

[revised trimmed version]
===========================================
[original version]

i could sense you were thinking about us
when I looked up
and watched the Moon
streaking through an overcast sky
the same crescent,
I knew you were watching
in that moment of the craving

moments later
a droplet of rain upon my lips
moistened my eyes
and soon the rain
was drizzling through my eyes

as the wind picked up a notch
the branches danced wildly
a solitary leaf seeking warmth
I barely managed to clasp
and upon it caressed your feelings

I brought it home
kissed it like only you know
searching a place to comfort
i laid it flat in my diary
on the cushion of
February fourteenth

Holding the diary
close to my heart
so you could hear my heart beats
serenading for you
a lullaby

soon after
I opened the diary once again
kissing it gently
craving for you to feel
as always
my lips caressing your eyelids

I heard a beep
hurriedly reached for my cell
your lips whispered in that text
"Thank you,
was missing you big time"

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Writing after months, so a bit rusty

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

....

I knew you were watching
in that moment of the craving

Good poem

Good poem
I don't understand these two lines

a droplet of rain upon my lips
moistened my eyes

"drizzling through my eyes" sounds strange to me

Then repetition of the word heart I think is unnesesary
"Holding the diary close
so you could hear my pulse"

Thanks IRiz for the visit and

Thanks IRiz for the visit and appreciate your leaving comments. I will re look at those and edit where necessary...or may even opt to unpublish this...

Regards...

Hey, do not unpublished, my questions are ment to ask not to kill.
Just keep up writing. But try not to use poetic words too much, and when going through the drafts ask whether you see what you wrote, whether you mean every word, and do not be afraid to spell out and expand some parts and remove others. How many drafts you usually going through before publishing?

Hi IRiz

Thanks for your sound advise. I will keep in mind of looking and relooking at the drafts atleast a couple of time, which so far I haven't been doing much and rather posting impulsively.

Thanks again dear friend...

Think about a poem as a

Think about a poem as a project that one day someone will be reading when you are long gone.
Mary Oliver went to fifty drafts per poem. One can tell that it there are well thought lines.
I go through five drafts if poem is long. It is hard to count them though because the editing process is often continuous.

Well Said IRiz...i will keep

Well Said IRiz...i will keep that in mind and will definitely use revise and edit options as many times as necessary...to the extent that other than the theme (heart strings connection irrespective of the physical distance between lovers),you may find an entirely renovated piece of this one in times to come...

Regards....

Looking forward to seeing

Looking forward to seeing your work.
You have what it takes.

I think you lost a lot of

I think you lost a lot of content in your last version
The first stanza reflects and condensed the beginning of the poem perfectly. I love it.

I hear
your heart beats
across ocean

The second takes you away from your love to the ocean.
Is it what you want? Why don't you go back to your feelings, like that for example?

Its waves
in frenzy
I crave for you

sudden calm
your message
I start breathing

regards..