I could have your evidence bag sent over to the precinct,
Or Rather call a battalion to come have you on a platter.
But That will be too easy,
I will torture you with my stare
Penetrate your walls with my words.
Suck up every bit of ur juice,
And let you die in pleasure.
Maybe
I should tear you all up,
Undergo ur autopsy alive.
Excavate every broken piece,
Sing to you while you're in pain,
And listen to your heart beat grow faint.
Indeed
I will be standing in the gate of heaven.
Waving you, who is aheaded to hell.
Jan 05, 2018
Felony
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Your language use...
is good and the beginning and end were great. I like the way that the whole thing hung together. Nice job! ~ Geezer.
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about my profile
no problem geezer, Thanks.
Bitter
Gosh that's a scouring bitterness seeping through the word choices! Good use of opposites...Heaven/ hell...pain/pleasure.
However, please for the love of god use the word 'your' instead of text-lexis 'ur'...it's just lazy.
Otherwise a neat visual image.
about the 'ur' and 'your' it
about the 'ur' and 'your' it's noted. thanks a lot