Marvel Godwyn
Marvel Godwyn
Jan 15, 2018

#haiku 4

mutual desires
ecstatic blast soon coming
fruition waiting

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Nigeria

Favorite Poets: Jess Tapper

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

7 years 3 months ago

the third line has only 4 syllables instead of 5

besides Haiku is about Nature theme whereas with a bit of work on 3rd line this can become a good senryu...please take this comment as a suggestion...

regards,

Marvel Godwyn

Thank you so much raj, honestly I appreciate your stopping by.I see syllable count is a very difficult task.I do not regard less anyone who miscounts. Could you check it again raj, please? Humans are part of nature, I hope I am right.
Fruition is a three syllable word.
Waiting is a two syllable word.
Thank you so much raj.

R

I stand corrected Mr. Marvel...i checked on Dictionary.com which says it's pronounced as froo-ish-uh n

apologies...

I still feel though that it should be a senryu and not a haiku though both follow the same syllable pattern of 5-7-5...as said before Haiku is genarally related to nature themes....

Regards,

Marvel Godwyn

I think Senryu is a haiku with theme on human.And i think what majorly differentiates a haiku from a Senryu is the use of simile and metaphor in Senryu,though some people use simile and metaphor in haiku too.If you could find time to research you will definitely find out theme on human in haiku is acceptable.Thank you so much Mr raj for your time,I appreciate.

Simon

Simon

7 years 3 months ago

Well,I don't know much but for myself understanding I think you are right,thanks for this little but mighty piece of poem.

weirdelf

you know exactly what you are doing!

I now look forward to some bawdy limericks, and let me warn you! It is much more difficult than haiku/senryu!

Before trying, read a lot of limericks, get the music of the prosody in your ear!

I am not giving you arbitrary exercises, I believe these are incredibly important lesson in our 'Craft or Sullen Art'.

Sparrow

do not stress or be feared Jess
If the odd bird builds in your beard
I have found some words
Some are quite absurd
Its just a simple nest young Jess

There was a man called Jess
All us poets he would address
Learn some new curses
Even the odd verses
From the best that’s our Jess..

Just trying these limericks but the subject keeps moving away, Love you my Bru.
Yours as always Ian..

I is going to get some flack for this so is hiding La La..

Marvel Godwyn

Hello Jess, I intended sending you a PM in this regard, but I have had so much on my hands these few days. I really appreciate your efforts but I still wonder how you always make out time for my works inspite of your tight schedule. I really doubt if I got your demand here clear, Jess.

Marvel Godwyn

Oh, oh so sorry Jess
Do you mean the phrase " In My Craft Or Sullen Art"?
It is from Dylan Thomas's poem.

In my craft or sullen art
Exercised in the still night
When only the moon rages
And the lovers lie abed
With all their griefs in their arms,
I labour by singing light
Not for ambition or bread
Or the stut and trade of charms
On the ivory stages
But for common wages
Of their most secret heart.

Not for proud man apart
From the raging moon I write
On these spindrift pages
Nor for towering dead
With their nightingale and psalms
But for the lovers their arms
Round the griefs of the ages,
Who pay no praise or wages
Nor heed my craft or art.