Marvel Godwyn
Marvel Godwyn
Dec 05, 2017

A Rare Gem.

Loneliness dangled my heart back and forth,
through void spaces under the winter cold,
yearning for your lush cuddles and warmth,
treasured far above the priciest gold.

In fealty my heart rests in a chest,
safe and secured waiting for you my love.
Yes, the one I have chosen as the best,
a rare gem, no one else will my heart crave.

You alone make my ardor flow upstream;
endowed with eerie verve, a queer prowess,
that steers my yearnings with an ecstatic helm
to a fruition realm of breathlessness.

Your elegance , on me has cast a spell
no antidote is potent enough to quell.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Nigeria

Favorite Poets: Jess Tapper

More from this author

Comments

Keith Logan

I could critique but it would just be nit picking. I really like this sonnet, especially the closing couplet.

weirdelf

Developing an 'ear' for meter is more difficult for some than others, as some people are 'tone deaf' to music.
For those who have difficulties I recommend reading poets who use a strong meter. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is a good example.

weirdelf

I didn't know you had cicadas in England. Pesticides have taken a heavy toll but when I was 5 and 12 (they have a 7 year breeding cycle) they were so loud it literally hurt your ears.

weirdelf

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An excellent first attempt at a sonnet. As Keith acknowledged there is no problem with the rhyming scheme. One tiny typo-
yearning for your lush cuddles and wamth, [warmth]

Now have you heard of the 'volta'? It is not a prerequisite but a common device in sonnets. The first eight lines present a theme or argument, the final six deliver a twist or counterpoint. Something to consider with future efforts.

Now the really tricky part. Meter. How much do you know about poetic meter? It is the rhythm of poetry based on the natural stresses of spoken English. We have run several workshops on it and will run more because it is the most imortant poetic tool, far more important than rhyme. It is also very tricky because different languages use length of syllables instead of stress and different English accents use different stresses. It makes me nuts trying to teach Southern States Americans meter because although they speak English they use French long and short syllables instead of stress, hence the 'drawl'. Here is a brief summary. http://writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/meter.html

The most common form of meter used in sonnets is Iambic Pentameter-
da DUM/ da DUM/ da DUM/ da DUM/ da DUM
which is said to resemble the human heartbeat.

Nobody, not even Shakespeare, adheres strictly to meter however a basic metric form enormously enhances the 'musicality' of the poetry. Now I'm going to do something I rarely do, because it is time consuming and boring, I'm going to 'parse' your sonnet to demonstrate its metric structure.

dangled my/ heart back/ and forth,
through void/ spaces un/der the wint/er cold,
yearning/ for your/ lush cudd/les and warmth,
treasured/ far a/bove the /priciest/ gold.

In fealt/y my heart rests/ in a chest,
safe and se/cured waiting/ for you/ my love.
Yes, the/ one I have/ chosen as/ the best,
a rare/ gem, no/ one else/ will my/ heart crave.

You a/lone make my/ ardor/ flow up/stream;
endowed/ with eer/ie verve,/ a queer /prowess,
that steers/ my yearn/ings with/ an ecstat/ic helm
to a fru/ition realm/ of breath/lessness.

Your el/egance , on me/ has cast/ a spell
no ant/idote is po/tent enough/ to quell.

 

As you can see it is mostly Iambic and Anapestic, which mix well and don't clash and it is mostly in Pentameter. So you did well. Here is a very strange reading, I have absurdly over-stressed the meter to make my point.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0jfeNbxi9r3

 

What do you think?

 

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Marvel Godwyn

I will figure out a title ,thank you Jess for the critique and correction of the, typo.Yes I know about the iambic meter(The stressed and unstressed syllable) but there is more to it and I would really love to know more about it.The Volta is actually the dramatic change in thoughts or emotion. Yes, I guess the reading was rather absurd because of the over stressed syllables.Thank you so much Jess ,once again.

weirdelf

I wish I had done a 'normal' reading before you made them, so you could hear the difference. They have improved the meter, call it 'flow' if you prefer. Such tiny changes can make a huge difference. Man, you have the 'ear'. It's a pleasure to work with you.

Like I said before not even Shakespeare strictly adhered to meter but if you have a meter in your mind's ear before you start writing it a piece comes out pretty close.

I haven't even read your second sonnet yet but I'm looking forward to it.

weirdelf

I need some time as you know. The subject will be ether meter or critique. Possibly even other devices like consonance and assonance. Anything but rhyme. Too many poets destroy their work by striving for that most obvious and least valuable device.
Would you consider working on it with me?