My sand built mansion
Will one day sink in sand
And all my passion
To yonder land
Whether or not you have seen me before
You shall see me no more
But I won't remain in the dark
I will take another form and come back
I will live forever
After that carnal life is over
Dec 19, 2017
SAND BUILT MANSION
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Thoughts
Hi am Bernard from Nigeria.I love poetry and therefore criticism is permitted so that I can improve in poetry writing. Thanks
Hi Sir Bernard
'after the testosterone is done'
like this, but i think it could be improved upon with
a few subtle changes.
think it through
and plough the field.
your words will grow
a better yield.
g
hi
ok