IRiz
IRiz
Dec 09, 2017

The End of a Story

The room was empty.
The town
had quieted down.
As always
I was not sleeping
with my eyes closed
in the middle of the bed
much further
from the edge
than I ever wanted
I was rolling, tossing, turning...
stood up, lit a cigarette,
and looked
at your portrait again.
You've left,
gone, disappeared,
only the empty frame
was hanging open
and doors ajar.

In the alignment of contours
 the portrait, 
the doors, the mirrors,
my eyelids, the curtains,
the word FAREWELL,
the passage,
the route for my escape,
it is a deep underground well.
It is fair and hurts  as hell.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: It is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblance is pure accedental. I am joking. But there are sincere feelings in the write. One of the poets here asked for a poem with a story. Here I offer a poem about the end of it :):):)

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō

More from this author

Comments

Keith Logan

written a couple of stream-of-consciousness poems and I really like this one. If I would change anything it is the last line (which has to be the strongest) to something like
It is fair and hurts as hell.
It is fair but hurts like hell.
I know this destroys the assonance of that line but to me it is a worthwhile trade off for the greater strength in the statement.

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

Thank you very much for reading and commenting.
I will think about your suggestion.
I thought about it and decided that hurt like hell is more commonly used expression and often used for physical discomfort and a bit over used and carries a diminished meaning. Hurt as hell, on the other hand, makes you understand the meaning more literally .
The word like used to introduce a metaphor, while as is a plain statement of equiality.

IRiz

Hello my friend. Thank you for your question, I do not sense the difference except the word is harder to pronounce. Could you explain it to me.
I wrote a long comment on one of your poems, and either failed to save it or it was removed. Have you seen it? (Asking just in case)

lovedly

quieted and quietened it will give u a wider perspective

no exchange
comment for a comment
ur poetry is like was esker's
miles long
he was an endeared fiend he placed himself as my fan
just see the humility of the man
how I wish I cold return his reward
sad he has gone

no,
I have not yet seen your longish comment
nothing can be erased here by anyone else
but the originator they all confess
regardless

IRiz

Yes thank you, also I can say that sea has quieted down after the storm or if your cat stressed it could quiet itself by puring. This is the meaning I used in the poem for the town. I am correct in this case.

lovedly

qui•et•en
(kwī′ĭ-tn)
tr. & intr.v. qui•et•ened, qui•et•en•ing, qui•et•ens

Chiefly British

quiet
ˈkwʌɪət/
verb

North American
past tense: quieted; past participle: quieted
1. make or become silent, calm, or still.
"there are ways of quieting kids down"

Is I for IRENE

IRiz

Lol
I is for Irene
Riz is for Riz
There is no reason
to believe
that there is
something else
hidden beneath
of a simple spell.
Except maybe the name
of a Greek goddess Iris,
an instant messenger,
connecting realms of gods,
people and other creatures.
Iris is a goddess of lightening.
But I am just IRiz tring to sound like her.

lovedly

wen I was young
we were made to sing a song
GOOD NITE IRENE
GOOD NIGHT