themoonman
themoonman
Jan 25, 2011

The crying's done

The chairs are empty now,
but they were there ....

I'm still trying to drink the image away,
him fucking her, but it seems to highlight
the in-my-bed-vision ....

replanting my right to see them bound
and gagged, sweating in fear;
while I sharpened my tools ....

yes, they were there.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

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Comments

K

(Luke, this is your sister, you've gone over to the dark side.)

The police have surrounded you. Put down your torture tools!

Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

~A

themoonman

Sometimes I have no control where the pen
takes me, even to scary places ...

thanks Ian

S

A succinct look at the thoughts a betrayed man must have run through his mind. You're right, very vivid...........scribbler

Candlewitch

replanting my right to see them bound
and gagged, sweating in fear;
while I sharpened my tools ....

This is the stuff of styx!!! Such vivid images full of raw emotions. Bravo!

always, eddy styx (and cat)

lou

lou

14 years 3 months ago

This is full of strong emotion, but it reads like a piece of a story.
hope you dont mind me rewriting it slightly.

The chairs are empty
but the spector of your transgression
still haunts me.

I'm still trying to drown the image,
of him fucking you, but demon drink
wont mask it ....

I feel that i've the right to see them bound
and gagged, sweating in fear;
of retribution.

Yes i still see them there.

ps. it turned out to be a big re-write, sorry, ignore my suggestions if you wish.

lou

themoonman

Thanks, it does read like a story because that is
what it is .... I think what you are saying is you would
like to see more attention to detail ... thank you, this
little write isn't written in stone and hopefully I've lots
of time to mull it over, your suggestions are appreciated.

Richard

K

It doesn't take a whole lot of words to get to the emotion of a poem sometimes. Sometimes too many words detract from the rawness that a few, well-chosen words evoke, imo.

A wordsmith knows which is which.

~A

themoonman

I'm sorry this actually happened to you, although it does
to many ... and many times it turns out with folks dying.
This was a look inside, at how I would hope not to react,
but it has not happened to me, so I'm only hoping. I am
pretty good at keeping an edge on my cutting tools (lol)

Richard

Bonitaj

Sure doesn't sound like you were looking at this "in the moonlight" Answers as clear as day!
I love this piece for it's capturing of BETRAYAL and REVENGE! right from the title on down!
WOW!
You go git 'em... more poetry that is! ;)
Boni

Race_9togo

I absolutely love this one.
The most disquieting part of it, for me, is that I was left wondering if he was idylly thinking of his vengeance, if he had already done it...

or if he still had them trussed up and alive somewhere, tools sharpened and ready to be used, him thinking about what he is about to do, and gathering the courage to do it.
Makes me shiver!

themoonman

LOL ... well, if ya gotta know (did you know how good
gardens grow when the soil is treated with a good fertilizer?
(LOL)

have a great day Ian

thanks for the smiles

Richard

P

what a great write!

so much imagery and rawness
packed into such brevity
i really appreciate a write that can convey
so much without battering
the reader over the head with a glut
of words

this is deliciously dark

i found i finished reading it, and thought
to myself;
did he do it? did he kill them? is he fantasising
about torturing them?

i eagerly read it again

good stuff ...i wouldn't change a word

cheers
p

(memo to self ...NEVAH cheat on themoomman)

R

raj

14 years 1 month ago

this is like action packed footage of a thriller scripted in just a few lines like a Trailer ..."they were there" says so much....