Marvel Godwyn
Marvel Godwyn
Nov 30, 2017

I Thought It Was My Lucky Day.

She was a true definition of mystique.
Her presence no one wouldn't crave.
Flawless, enchanting was her physique,
no one could ever make her fall in love.

I sat one sunny day, by the bank of a stream.
Suddenly my name i heard her call,
it was so real it couldn't have been a dream,
she bid me come to a secluded waterfall.

Under the waterfall she held me tightly close.
I felt her warmth and soothing caress,
and she smiled as my ardor rose,
as the frigid water hurled down on us.

I gazed at her lips to which mine had fallen sway,
and her face beamed with alluring smiles.
I made for those lips,before the moment would slip away,
and quickly her emotion leapt to lofty skies.

She moaned, gasped for air,
as if she had raced several miles.
Into her face i paused to stare,
and there was this lucid look in her melting eyes.

The look said we have just began the race.
Our hearts entwined in deep pleasure,
as she gripped me closer in an embrace,
I woke from my dream as she made to lead me to her sacred treasure.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Nigeria

Favorite Poets: Jess Tapper

More from this author

Comments

Simon

Simon

7 years 5 months ago

indeed you are the lucky man,when a man fall in love his heart bleeds of love.
perfect one you got her thinking thanks.

Eumolpus

Reminds me of a scene in the film Wild Orchid, a Brazilian erotic masterpiece from 1990, in a waterfall. Hot stuff "She moaned, gasped for air"
Fun to read, fun to write I'm sure.

lovedly

I recall seeing a gal
eyeing her boyfriend
he looked at her too
she waved come over
and there and then
right in the open she jumped upon him
like a cat does on a lady

she clawed at him tightly
and they smooched
all could see
none bother in the west
as must be knowing ye

she pulled him closer
and went behind the trees
what must have happened next
is any body's guess

you are right
we all head loud moans
the park was not empty
all clapped as they came from behind the trees
all wet and blushing

under the waterfall perhaps
you had also similarly been
hopefully unmindful y unseen
lucky be thee
I've had no such experience
married very, very early
so be happy it was she
here many go with gay

weirdelf

I don't know if you can hear it in my reading.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0rYoqxSffjn

The last line of each stanza feels wrong, out of place, as if from another poem. Partly it is that they are mostly longer and break the vague sense of meter present elsewhere and they break the general sense of rhyme.

Using a jarring last line in stanzas is a common device, usually using shorter lines. I don't feel it works here, they feel more prosaic than prosodic.

I've been read though several of your works, catching up on critique, and it strikes me that they are all so terribly serious. Beauty, profundity and love are important but so is fun and entertainment.

I would love to hear a dirty limerick or just something lighter-hearted and amusing from you.
Be careful if you do attempt a limerick, despite being funny, even their structure is amusing, it is a very strict form,
Have a go.