Oh ye frequenter
this luscious temple and
everything that is within
Is mine.
you are a drop-in seeking to worship
don't act like you own it
Till when will you understand
that the essence that flows in this valley
Is mine.
you should have known
when you searched for honey
in a honey pot that wasn't for you
So keep your stereotypic comments
run as fast as your tiny legs can bare
this rebel here is done being told
what to do
Last Few Words: I really tired of hearing what to do,or how to treat my body, it's mine! Alone
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
I really like...
the theme here and no matter who you are talking to, [I'm thinking that it is a lover], they are told in no-nonsense manner that you are in charge. However, there are a number of things that you might do, to clean this up and make it more readable.
1]. You [are] a drop-in seeking to worship.
2] I think that you are trying to say that until they stop trying to tell you what to do, you will rebel. [Till when]? I don't think that you should use the term [rabble rouse] as rabble is a way to describe a crowd, unruly mob or raggedy bunch of people.
3] Re-arrange the line that reads: "this valley that flows with essence is mine" to read; [the essence that flows in this valley is mine.]
Just a couple of things to help you make it smoother. Yours to use or help you do something of your own. ~ Geezer.
.
Thank you
Very much for your suggestions...you are always of great help
some thoughts
I do agree we are told what to do with our lives by endless forces- religious, political, social, that compete for our attention, and this is surely subject to many poems... but not so sure about the body, the temple of which you refer. Other than the obvious DON'T'S like smoke, eat bad food, drink too much, take addictive drugs, etc., at least we have the freedom (and I think equally in your country) to ignore hype and do whatever we want with our bodies. It is true a woman in the USA was recently sent to jail for a week for refusing to have her son vaccinated for the flu, but such cases are very rare, and raised a big stink here.
So as a reader I would like to know more what you are rebelling against. Who/what has unsanctioned the temple of your body? In what way?
Hi
I'm rebelling against the thoughts that women have to do as they are told. I had an ex who used to try and dictate what I wore, some other guys try to tell you what amount of makeup is perfect...in the real sense all they have is their opinion, it shouldn't be forced down our throats
Smalls
i think you are actually making yourself clear to someone whom you consider as a fake lover,
making him to know that you are the owner of yourself and not him by chasing him out of your life.
You
Are very correct
Thanks
and sorry I misread your poem. The clue was
you are a drop-in seeking to worship
don't act like you own it
but I missed it.