Your love blankets me as I fall asleep.
For once again I'm in a bed that's not mine,
With ruffed sheets and tattered pillows.
And I miss hearing your sleep machine,
my whispered lullaby.
Driving daily on these rachet roads
filled with nobodys, and hopping trains
fouled by drunks.
I'm still traveling with you.
I snap all your favorite cities, and
buy yet another mug.
This one says CHICAGO.
Placed on a metal souvenir rack
in a convenience store next to McDonald's,
holding all my three course meals.
Boy, I could really use your steak right now.
Comments
Your title...
seems appropriate and I like the jagged form, it makes it seem like a jumble of thoughts that might fill one's head when they are away from home on business. [I'm making an assumption here].
I have felt the same when away from home at times. The beginning follows through to a good ending and the logic was good too. I am perplexed about the Ruffed sheets and tatered pillows?
Why the capital for the Ruffed sheets and did you mean [tattered] pillows? A few suggestions for these lines:
1). "I can't even hear your sleep machine," I would change it to: I miss hearing your sleep machine.
2). "Boy, how I could really use your steak right now." You might say: Boy, I can almost taste your steak, right now.
Just a couple of suggestions that might make it a little smoother. As always, just suggestions and I'm always pleased to have you make your own changes. ~ Geezer.
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a very good poem!
giving just a few details you are able to create a universe which we can see and feel. This stanza
With Ruffed sheets and tatered pillows.
I can't even hear your sleep machine,
my whispered lullaby.
The first line is not really a sentence and should have a comma. As above I think you meant "ruffled" which should not be in Cap, and "tattered" is the correct spelling...but I love the joining of sleep machine with the "whispered lullaby." I also like the rawness of describing the streets and trains. And the idea of the souvenir mugs.
It's obvious you are living/traveling on a tight budget, getting meals from the convenience store, and how you end the poem, dedicated to someone who cares for you, and gives you a square meal.
I would say you are absorbing the many masks of the craft of poetry, and your work is getting more
and more sophisticated. Keep em' coming.