Android ( a co-write with Hooded Stranger)

Hi,

An android is a fantastic metaphor for loneliness and isolation . Great use of language and imagery.

Lou

This is different, it is difficult to imagine the robot even wondering at its existence, but given the metaphor, that is real, and some may feel such alienation at times, when we feel like automatons ourselves, repeating tasks and never truly engaging in life.

Love Ann.

Dear Ann,

this is a different piece and it was Jess's idea...you know me, darkness and sorrow, but we still managed to give it a dark feel even with the Android metaphor.

I have recently read the Dark Tower by Stephen King and there are androids in that story. They seemed to lack all connection with real people despite being built in human form.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

regards,

HS

An interesting, slightly melancholic write.

Something about it reminded me about the movie "A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)" which, as I recall, almost had me in tears when I saw it some years ago. About an android who wants to be loved... wants to be human...

Coming back to your work, I think it still needs a little work in bits like

I'm just a humanoid
Of feelings I am devoid
I have man-like form
But my circuits aren't deployed
All circuits null and void

which feel a little rough to my ear, but has some wonderful lines too like:

So is this what it feels like to be detached?
Alienated and separated from existence
Am I so indifferent to be excluded?
When all I ask is to be included

As regards the last line in V1, I'd go with Dan's choice. As a fellow songwriter, i agree with his instinct on FLOW on this line.

An interesting piece in what memories and feelings this one evoked in me...

Psyve

You are very welcome.

To answer your query, it was the usage of words in the chorus, more than their actual flow, that I found a little rough.

Pleased to know this one's a song in the making. Would love to hear it whenever you are ready to share... even if it is a rough demo only.

Cheers,

Psyve

greetings to you both
does an android with feelings really have them or does it just have programed reactions which mimic them.And does it make a difference if the mimicry is done well enough. Headache time lol
I have a few ideas beginning with stanza Psyve referred to:
I am just a humanoid
of feelings totally devoid
I may have a man-like form
but emotive circuits aren't deployed
their circuits all are null and void
L-3 I have perfect vision.............
L-4 swap never and will
L-5 delete so and to, change be to being
L-21 try My humanity is just pretend
L-44 tell scribbler he's too late to the show lol.................scribbler

My general feeling is that this piece is about a person who feels as if they are no longer connected to the human condition and has begun to nearly fantasize that the reason for this is that they are indeed built incorrectly to function within society no matter that they look like everyone else and thus are expected to behave and feel like everyone else. There is a classic alienation going on here with a nod toward what makes this possible in the modern world, machines that act human but contain no emotion.

With this in mind I’d like to see the poem structure and pacing emphasize this. Remove the contractions, formalize the meter, basically bring the level of communication to the point where it feels like it is being delivered by a machine rather than a hurting soul and have the last stanza leak emotion for juxtaposition.
To take the first stanza, “don’t” or “do not” is a more passive way of expressing negation. I’d look at “cannot” to solidify the concept. With line two, I believe “perfectly” is a better representation than “20/20 vision” if only because humans are not perfect and this allows us to immediately set a tone. Additionally, “have” and “try” do not feel strong enough in this stanza, so I am suggesting “scan” and “strive” respectively. With removing all contractions, adding more formal language, and finding a more formal meter, in this case pentameter, here are some suggestions.

I touch the fire, but cannot feel the burn.
I witness love, but cannot feel the yearn.
I scan perfectly, but still cannot see,
I strive to be human, but cannot be.

For the last stanza, I generally like it but feel the ending is not final enough. I want more of a conclusion, more of a punch in my gut. So, taking a look at it, I am bothered by the word “towards.” “Towards” is a positive word and I feel a more negative word might fit better here. In this case I am going to take a cue from the last line, which is tetrameter+1. An uneven meter can create an unconscious sense of discord and for the last stanza I believe the entire thing might scan better with the structural discord to aid in the mood of the words.

No correction mars my perfection
No objection mars my dejection
No selection mars my rejection
Pull the plug, sever the connection

-------------------------

As usual, please feel free to ignore anything that is not useful for the direction you two are pursing. For those following along, this critique is not criticism, merely ideas I have and my offering my ideas is not intended to be insulting. A heartfelt critique is a compliment because it is offered without rancour or expectation. It is like making someone a cup of tea, you do it because you admire them or the effort they have put forth.

I thought we'd cracked it with this one...but it pains me to say I agree with every damn observation (I liked it when you were away! LOL!)

Ok, looks like Jess & I have more work to do.

Your opening paragraph is spot on and is definetly where Jess & I placed this piece.

The thought of the words being spoken by the Android is very useful...it reads exactly as we wrote it...as humans. That may be a tough assignment...but valid.

We were offered the use of 'Perfect' ( by Stan I believe) in that second line but decided that an Android would use 20/20 vision...I can hear C3PO saying it now!

Scan & Strive are much better words...simply the words of the Android. I think maybe we needed to step out of our human box and step into the world of the Android. The problem being we were human, feeling like an Android...but we need to find some common ground I agree. This will be a challenge indeed but Jess and I are keen to make this one as perfect as we can...so thanks for the idea.

The final stanza seemed fine at first draft but I see your view about the positive element...can't say I like the word 'mars'...but I agree an alternative would help make the final stanza sharper and more complete. I think the word 'mars' makes me think of the planet Mars, and I don't want an alien attatchment to this piece...that said, this a co-write so I need to to speak with Jess. Maybe the word 'impaires' would be a good alternative.

Really appreciate the time involved to critique this piece, I know both Jess & I will take on-board your comments and see how we can improve the piece. So a big thank you Jonathan for your time.

Jess, we need to speak!!

regards,

HS